Last month I addressed the question of “What is it with men and talking?” The question is often posed during an Intensive, “Why won’t my husband talk to me?” I offered some suggestions for understanding the dynamics contributing to the reluctance some men have to being more verbal in their relationships. I thought I might try and address a similar common question regarding wives. Many men complain their wives are critical and controlling. These men often feel as though they can not please their wives and resent what they feel is an effort to control their every move.

I must confess some anxiety about trying to address this question. Last month in discussing men’s behavior I felt some identification with the challenge some men have at being more verbally interactive with their wives, if only because I am a man. This month I am in the position of explaining behavior of the opposite gender and feel the need to acknowledge my likely male bias on the topic. I will try to be objective but recognize my comments may easily reflect a male bias on the question of women wanting to be “helpful.” The quotation marks around the word “helpful” express the sarcasm expressed by many husbands. When wives are challenged about their efforts to monitor or manage their husband’s behavior, thoughts, and/or feelings, the wife may respond by stating, “I’m just trying to help you. It’s my job to help you.”

The sequence may occur as follows: Wife observes husband in some pattern of behavior, thought or feeling in which he obviously is struggling. Wife recognizes how much better husband would be if he made an adjustment in his behavior, thought or feeling pattern. Being a caring partner she gives husband direction on how to change his pattern of behavior, thought, and/or feeling to achieve better results. Husband feels judged, controlled, and/or helpless and reacts with anger or possibly withdrawal. Both partners feel more distant and discouraged.

This sequence could be played out over something as minor as where to squeeze the toothpaste tube or something as major as how to communicate love and affection. For some couples the pattern is so repetitive it results in chronic feelings of disappointment and failure in the relationship. These patterns unchecked and unaddressed lead to eventual total disconnect and potential dissolution of the marriage.

So what is going on in these interactions? First, of all the reader should recognize the elements of a relationship Fear Cycle as described for couples during a Couples Intensive or Marriage Intensive. During Intensive Marital Therapy at National Institute of Marriage we often assist couples in recognizing the specific elements of the Fear Cycle occurring in their own relationship. Readers may recall how Fear Cycles describe the repetitive cyclical pattern of conflict in a relationship.

What most men do not understand is how powerful the instinct and impulse to nurture is in many women. There is good scientific evidence to suggest that women when placed under some type of stress will instinctively try to nurture those close to them. What does this mean? Nurturing behaviors are efforts to draw loved ones close, to protect them, and guide them toward safety. What men interpret as controlling and intrusive from their wives may indeed be motivated by a drive to care (i.e. be helpful). Moreover, this reaction in women will be more impulsive and more intense when they feel threatened. Especially threatened with distance and disconnection from the man they love and care for.

So notice how men and women are essentially set up to push each others buttons. Wife senses some form of withdrawal and feels disconnected and/or shut out, she reacts by giving advice, direction, or monitoring. Husband feels disrespected and/or controlled; he reacts by withdrawing, which in turn pushes the buttons of disconnect in wife…and away we go.

If men can pause and consider that what may feel like disrespect is perhaps not meant to be disrespect, it may provide an opportunity for a man to be curious about what his wife’s intentions may really be. By simply slowing down his internal reactivity a husband may be able to gain the needed perspective to not react with anger or withdrawal. This is not easy or simple. Our reactions are often reflexive and instantaneous, but with discipline and consistent effort we can learn to see more of the picture than our own emotions of the moment. Once gaining perspective we can choose responses to our spouse which have a greater likelihood of leading to understanding and sense of partnership in the relationship.

To wives I would invite you to consider what is motivating your desire to be helpful. If the emotions behind the impulse to give advice and direct are emotions of fear and disconnection it may be more effective to find a way to softly disclose your fear. The reactions of monitoring, and trying to manage your husband’s thoughts, feelings and behavior do not disclose to him clearly your longing to be close and your fear of losing connection with him. It would be more direct to ask for some time to talk and then disclose how much you desire to be close and that recently you have worried about being able to get close and stay close. He still may not get it entirely, at least the first time you describe your feelings, but it will likely encourage a different reaction from him than the anger and withdrawal you often receive. The goal here is to give yourself a chance to not repeat your Fear Cycle and hopefully be better understood by your husband.

In addition wives may want to give husbands a chance to describe how they feel when you are trying to be “helpful.” If you can allow him to describe his feelings without reacting to them he may see that you really do care and are interested in how he feels and not just an agenda to change him. These are conversations in which it is helpful to bear in mind that someone’s intentions and the emotional consequences to the other person are both important. You want him to understand your intentions of caring, but can you also understand and validate the emotional consequences he feels when you are trying to be caring.

As I reflect on these common feelings and reactions in men and women I am reminded that reviewing and updating how the Fear Cycle is operating in a relationship can be extremely valuable. I have watched many times couples start to have some hope when they recognize the hurt and disappointment in their relationship is due to these cyclical dynamics of the Fear Cycle and not the result necessarily of failure in themselves or their spouse. The Fear Cycle is an extremely powerful force spinning spouses further and further away from each other. But, it can be interrupted and moments of tender, loving, connection can occur. It requires some slowing down and stepping back a bit to try and understand what is going on.

I hope these thoughts will provide some insight on why many wives are prone to be “helpful” and why husbands are not always accepting and appreciative of the help. As always, any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I so much enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. I will try to do my best to either address your concern in a future column or respond to you directly. God Bless You, and know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.
   
Dr. Bob Burbee
Psychologist, Intensive Therapist and Aftercare Coordinator
National Institute of Marriage