Stepping Forward – September 2010

When God Says No

Some time ago a reader emailed and asked if I would do a column on the question
of, “When God Says No.” I have thought a lot about this question since it was posed by
this reader and this month have decided to try and address it. My opening disclaimer is
that my treatment of the question will undoubtedly fall short of a complete theological
perspective on the question. As a Christian who happens to be a psychologist and
marriage therapist I will address this question from the perspective of one who often finds
himself wondering why God doesn’t seem to be more cooperative. More cooperative in
the sense that our prayers can often seem to us to be perfectly in line with God’s will but
He still seems to be delaying in delivering on a request.

I will also limit my comments to the challenge of God appearing to say no in the context
of marriage. The most common example being the prayer so often prayed by married
persons, “God please change my spouse.” This prayer takes several different forms,
but essentially it is the same message. We feel betrayed, ignored, rejected, etc. by our
spouse’s behavior, attitude and emotions and so we pray for God to change them. This is
especially poignant when our spouse’s behavior is so clearly inconsistent with what we
know would be God’s will for them. They are unfaithful, unrepentant, abusive, defiant,
and confused. Their choices are so clearly against what God would want for them. We
are praying in accordance it would seem with God’s will, why don’t we see the results of
God changing them?

First of all, it seems important to acknowledge our limitations. We do not see
what God sees and His purposes are not always visible to us. Isaiah wrote,
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares
the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher
than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55: 8 & 9, NIV)

In spite of my best logic and reasoning, God has ways and reason beyond my knowledge
or comprehension. Many of us have experienced this insight as we have looked back
upon a sequence of events in our lives which at the time seemed random, but upon
backward reflection we see evidence of God’s presence and design. The hand of God
and His design for our life is not evident often until hindsight provides the perspective
to see it all from a distance. I can not always know why God is behaving as He does
but what I can be sure of is God is good and His purposes are according to His will.

Second, it is apparent God is intent on securing a relationship with us. We have only
to look at Jesus and His work upon the cross to understand the lengths God will go to
remove barriers to relationship with us. This gives us the assurance that while the answer
to our prayers is perhaps not immediate, God is nevertheless at work, often in ways we
can not possibly know. God can be at work in one’s spouse long before you would ever
know or understand what God was doing. This is a matter of trust. Will I trust God is at
work even when my eyes and ears are telling me the opposite? Things are not always as
they seem.

Third, I am convinced God says no many times because what we are praying would
violate some important commitment God has made. Free will is a good example. God
is of course all powerful, however, He seems especially reluctant to violate the free will
of humans. To force someone to change without their surrender and reception of grace
violates the basic premise of relationship. God wants willing participants in relationship
not heartless machines who merely acquiesce to His bidding because that is how they
were programmed. No, God clearly requires the surrendered will and heart of a person,
and with out that He limits His “changing” power. When we pray for God to change our
spouse are we really asking Him to do so without the participation of our spouse? Do we
really want a spouse who is changed on the outside but has no emotional investment in
the change? Sadly, I think that is what many of our prayers for our spouse sound like. We
want them different and we have little consideration for the process. God cares deeply
about the process. He too wants our spouse to be “changed” but only as a result of their
full surrender and commitment to Him.

It seems much of the time God works in circumstances to bring us to the end of ourselves
so we can be malleable in His hands. He desires our humble surrender and many times
will go to great lengths to help us realize our need for Him. This is why things often seem
to get worse before they get better. God has in mind our surrender or the surrender of
our spouse and circumstances may be His only means of getting someone’s attention.

The most pressing need we feel, “When God says no,” has to do with our response. How
do we respond in the face of denied dreams and longings? I have come to trust in God’s
redemptive genius. I may not always see where God is leading me, but I can trust it is
His nature to bring good in even the worst circumstances. Paul wrote, “And we know
that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called
according to his purpose.” (Rom. 8:28 NIV) This is a promise we can cling too even
when it appears God is saying no to changing our spouse.

Our response then can be to change our prayer. Instead of asking God to change our
spouse we can pray for God to have His way in our own life.
“Lord, do in me the work you desire to do in this situation. Help me to see the
good you are providing in these difficult and trying times. I surrender to the
purposes you have for me, let me fully know the good you desire to bring from
these challenges.”

Our prayer can change from, “Please change my spouse,” to:
“Lord bless my spouse. In your way Lord draw them to you. Heal their pain,
bring hope to their spirit, soften the barriers to your love.”

Technically this new prayer is a prayer for change in our spouse but it has a new focus.
Now the prayer is for God’s best to be brought near to them, for God to minister to
them. This is different than a prayer for God to change my spouse so I don’t suffer. The
difference is huge. The new prayer is for God’s best in my spouse the old prayer for the
alleviation of my suffering by changing my spouse. God knows the difference even if we
don’t recognize it.

I have personally witnessed the transformation that can take place when a spouse changes

their prayer. A husband once confessed he had lost all sense of love and affection for his
wife due to their persistent and unresolved conflicts. He reported that as he began to pray
for his wife’s well being he discovered a change taking place within him. His hardened
bruised heart softened and he began to feel affection for his wife he had not felt in years.

Prayer changes things. It is one of the great mysteries of Faith that a God who is all
powerful, all knowing, and ever present responds to our humbled and open heart requests.
Maybe that is the secret of all prayer, the open surrendered humbled heart from which
the prayer comes. Our prayers certainly need to be in accordance with His will but
there is this other element, the integrity and intent from which the prayer comes. God
may appear to be saying no, when perhaps he is just waiting for our surrender. Maybe
this is what David was referring to when he wrote, “The sacrifices of God are a broken
spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17 NIV)

For the person married to someone who is running from God, hostile toward faith,
and closed to relationship, the prayer for change makes so much sense. It is so easy to
recognize how our present suffering in marriage is a consequence of our spouse being
stubborn and unmovable. I hope these thoughts will not invalidate the depth of such
disappointment. I really believe God understands our pain even if we don’t always
see tangible evidence of this. These thoughts are simply offered for the moment when
you are ready to consider a new strategy to your prayers and a different understanding
of how God may be at work. I pray you continue to pursue God with your requests
even if the answer appears to be no. I believe God wants to resolve our conflicts with
Him just as much as we do. He just doesn’t want to “lose” in the process any more
than we do. We may need more of his perspective to understand what is important
to Him. Such perspective could make all the difference in the world in how we pray.

As always, any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you
would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I so much
enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. I will try to do my best to either
address your concern in a future column or respond to you directly. God Bless You, and
know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.

Dr. Bob Burbee
Psychologist, Intensive Therapist and Aftercare Coordinator
National Institute of Marriage