“Oh man, look at that…” The “Hot Donuts Now” sign was blazing bright red at the donut store as I passed by on my way home from teaching class one night. This particular night the sign caught my eye and my brain began to bombard me with memories of the warm, sweet, chewy donuts the business is famous for. “Should I stop?,” I thought to myself. “I haven’t had any of those donuts in a really long time. Just 2-3 donuts wouldn’t hurt anything. I’ll eat light tomorrow to make up for the extra calories…Umm…,” the donuts were definitely calling my name. As I pulled through the drive thru I discovered that the price of 3 donuts was only pennies less than the special “Buy one dozen get a second dozen free!” “The rest of the family would appreciate Dad bringing home donuts for everyone. I’ll be a hero…,” I reasoned.

My plan for just “2-3” donuts mushroomed into 6 donuts by the time I got home. Once those two dozen warm, aromatic donuts were on the car seat next to me I was doomed. As I finished the sixth donut my will power started to return as well as my sense of guilt and shame, “What a mistake this was, I’m pathetic…” As I processed what I had done, it occurred to me that I probably was legitimately hungry. I had skipped supper in order to make it to class on time. It had been a busy day. My body was naturally calling for some nourishment. Sadly, my brain directed me not to what would really satisfy my body which was craving nourishment, but to a substance that would provide intense immediate gratification. What an interesting dynamic at work in me. What would really satisfy my nourishment needs is not what I crave! My brain didn’t overwhelm me with images of carrot sticks and steaming broccoli. No, my brain flooded with the memory of the intensely gratifying experience of chewy, warm, sweet… sugar on wet cardboard.

As I reflected on this all too familiar experience it occurred to me that I have similarly traded satisfaction for gratification in other areas of my life. In each instance of doing so, saw my moral integrity compromised. Yes, my personal integrity seems to always take a hit when I choose simple gratification over actions leading to satisfaction.

We all have longings, desires, even needs. Some of these we feel intensely. Satisfaction of our deep longings and desires often requires patience, discipline and commitment. Gratification is a double whammy because not only do I often injure my integrity by opting for the “quick fix,” but I also fail to really satisfy the longing. Gratification may be intense but it is temporary. The deeper longing goes un-addressed and the craving soon returns as intense as before, if not greater.

Consider how this dynamic contributes to distress and dysfunction in a marriage relationship. I feel hurt, perhaps unfairly treated in some way. My desire for resolution of the conflict is legitimate. I deeply desire to be understood by my spouse, and experience their validation and caring. To satisfy this desire I need to think carefully about what feelings I am experiencing and how to safely disclose them to my spouse in a manner that will give us a chance to talk the situation through. Instead I hear myself making a snide sarcastic jab at my spouse which feels like scoring points in some competition. But, I quickly recognize by my spouse’s response that I have just succeeded in making it more unlikely that I will be heard, because now my spouse is offended by my sarcastic remark. I chose gratification over satisfaction and not only do I feel bad about my behavior, but now the relationship is set back as well.

Other examples of this gratification vs. satisfaction dynamic would include impulsive decision making with money, parenting, time, and in-laws. Seeking sexual activity for gratification without attention to relationship emotional intimacy and closeness illustrates this dynamic. Some individuals use a strategy of denial and suppression of their emotional wants and desires so as not to risk vulnerability and disappointment. These individuals protect their personal integrity by avoiding some impulsive outburst but sacrifice their well being due to emotional neglect. This avoidance and denial strategy succeeds at limiting escalation, at least for a time anyway, but the real issues of the relationship remain unaddressed and unresolved.

Satisfaction of relationship desires require thoughtful consideration, initiation and follow through. Many of us just simply do not take the time to be aware of what we are feeling. Nor do we examine where those feelings are coming from and how the emotions are affecting the way we behave. When someone begins the work of monitoring their emotional ups and downs and learns to process this safely in a loving, caring marriage, life can become so much richer and satisfying. There is nothing quite so emotionally rewarding as being heard, understood, affirmed, validated and joined by a loved one. Likewise to give attention, care, compassion, and affirmation to a loved one has deeply satisfying rewards as well. It is this mutual giving and receiving of loving attention and understanding we all desire and crave. How sad when we trade an opportunity for deep satisfaction for the momentary gratification of a harsh word or the reactionary turning away of withdrawal and avoidance.

Just like physical health requires disciplined monitoring of our diet, exercise, stress, etc., so too our emotional and relationship health require disciplined monitoring and courageous action. The rewards of satisfaction are not as immediately intense as some momentary reaction of gratification. But the rewards of satisfaction deepen the bonds of trust and fidelity in a relationship as well as mature us emotionally as individuals. These are rewards worth pursuing. Much like greater physical stamina, strength and vitality are the rewards of disciplined diet and exercise.

Perhaps there is opportunity for you and your spouse to strengthen your emotional well being and deepen your relationship bonds through considering what would be deeply satisfying emotionally and relationally. Choose these options over the impulsive gratification of angry reaction or sullen withdrawal. Learning to apologize and plan with your spouse for ongoing conversation where emotions and feelings are discussed and understood without judgment and ridicule can go a long way to building satisfaction of your deepest relationship desires. As always, any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I so much enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. I will try to do my best to either address your concern in a future column or respond to you directly.

God bless you, and know we at National Institute of Marriage
are praying for you.

Dr. Bob Burbee
Licensed Psychologist, Intensive Therapist
National Institute of Marriage