Do you dream? Do you fantasize about how great things would be if only …? I know
I do. To be honest dreams seem complicated. They certainly give me direction and
inspire hope, but there are times when my dreams have been a source of despair and
deep discouragement, which tempt me toward bitterness and resentment. When dreams
remain unfulfilled or die prematurely due to circumstances outside my control, I find it
uncomfortably familiar to play the part of victim and martyr.

This is especially true for me when the dreams are especially virtuous or affirming
of deeply held values and beliefs. For example, I dream of my children’s success in
life, I dream of a productive late adulthood, I dream of a home and resources to bless
my grandchildren, I dream of a great marriage. These dreams are pretty innocent and
reasonable. Most men of my age and position in life probably dream of similar things, but
suppose one or more of these dreams is thwarted in some way? What then?

Over the holidays I finished reading Phil Vischer’s book, Me, Myself, and Bob:A true
story about God, Dreams, and Talking Vegetables, published by Thomas Nelson.
You might remember Phil Vischer as the creator of Veggie Tales and former owner
of Big Idea Productions. Vischer’s testimony detailed in the book is a cautionary
tale about dreams. Big Idea Productions went into bankruptcy a few years ago due to
financial difficulties and a lost legal action. The law suit outcome has subsequently been
overturned in Big Idea’s favor but the damage was done and Vischer no longer controls
Big Idea Productions. The details are all there in the book.

I found myself identifying with Phil Vischer on so many levels. In particular, his
confusion and disillusionment at God allowing an enterprise which was doing wonderful
things to come to a sad and painful halt. Vischer challenges readers with his own story
to be wary of assuming that God is impressed with the “rightness” of our requests,
visions and dreams. Just because something is “right” doesn’t necessarily mean God
will cooperate on behalf of the “right” cause. This violates and challenges our sense of
justice as well as our assumptions about what is right and wrong. Vischer affirms what
I have found to be important in my own life journey: God is more concerned with the
availability of our heart and will to Him than He is in our designs for how to make the
world a better place. Frankly, God doesn’t appear to really need us to do anything. He
certainly desires us and loves us but He doesn’t need you and me. He was doing just fine
before I came along and He will continue to achieve His purposes when I am no longer
walking the earth. It would appear God is much more passionate about our love and
obedience to Him than what we can do for Him.

This is more than a little mind bender when you really let it sink in. In my own case, what
are all of these life pursuits I have prayerfully and faithfully pursued if they were not
helping God do what He wants in the world? I am coming to understand more and more
that as valuable as my contribution may be to what God is doing in the world around me,

God’s primary interest is in preparing me for eternity with Him. It’s what the apostle Paul
referred to as being “transformed” (IICor. 3:18), becoming like Jesus.

So how does this apply to marriage and the dream of a great marriage? Dreams of a great
marriage can be inspiring and offer hope, but if we make the dream more important than
the “Dream Giver,” we run the risk of allowing our dream to cross the line into becoming
an idol. When my love of the dream out shines my love for He who inspires the dream
then the dream itself begins to exert a hold and control over my spirit, emotions, and
will. I have sadly witnessed the extreme moral compromises people can make in the
service of trying to have a great marriage. Spouses who lie to each other, manipulate each
other, withhold and demand from each other because they believe these maneuvers were
necessary to achieve a great marriage. When the dream remains illusive and seemingly
unattainable, resentment and bitterness lead to justification of still more personal and
moral compromise resulting in deep emotional and relationship wounds. Dreams indeed
can become harsh task masters when they hold idol status in our lives.

Holding the dream of a great marriage loosely enough so I can follow God’s revelation of
new insight, learning and maturing when relationship trial and disappoint occur has been
one of the most important life lessons in my life. I’ve always felt like being married was
part of God’s calling on my life, part of his plan to use Mary Jo and I for His purposes
in the world. There are many ways this has been true, but I am understanding more and
more that this relationship with Mary Jo was part of God’s plan for me to be changed
and “transformed.” This has been a challenging and inspiring line of reflection and
meditation. God’s design for my marriage was about how He might mature, grow and
perfect me! More than what Mary Jo and I have done for God as husband and wife is
what He is doing IN us through the vehicle of our marriage. The blessings, the special
treasured times are part of His communicating and leading us. Yes, and the difficult,
exasperating, disappointing, even painful times are occasions for His discipline, shaping,
and molding us to be the people He has always wanted us to be.

In this way I am learning to hold the dream of a great marriage “loosely” rather than
tightly, so that when trial and challenges come I am open to what God may want to be
teaching me. There is such a rich trail of insight, growth, and maturing that has occurred
in me through the vehicle of marriage. It is with deep gratitude I accept the redemptive
power of God in my life through even the harshest of times in our marriage. Dealing
with personality differences, nurturing our sexual intimacy, maintaining our partnership
as parents, navigating the challenges of financial strain and stress; all of these and more
have been trails of discovery and growth leading to maturity, when I allow God to be not
just my Savior but Lord of my life as well.

It is so easy to view marital struggle as a consequence of someone’s failure and we are
somehow the victim. Faith points us to see these failures as opportunities for God to
work His redemptive purpose in our lives and our relationships. Even when I have been
unfairly treated there is opportunity for God to use this for my good. There is a measure
of grace that comes to us when we can view our marital trials as an opportunity for God
to work good into our lives. I think it’s at least part of what it means to let God be in control and trust He is at work even when things don’t make sense in the immediate situation.

As the new year is getting started I encourage you to consider your dreams for your
marriage in the light of God’s redemptive plan for your life. Hold these dreams tight
enough to be inspired, but loosely enough to let God work when things take unexpected
turns. As always, any comments or questions you have about this column or issues you
would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I so much
enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. I will try to do my best to either
address your concerns in a future column or respond to you directly. God Bless You, and
know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.

Dr. Bob Burbee
Psychologist, Intensive Therapist and Aftercare Coordinator
National Institute of Marriage