The Fear Cycle Awaits

Like a soundtrack from a B rated horror film from the 70’s I can hear the tell tale sounds of something lurking around the corner ready to get me when I least expect it. I’m just a sitting duck unaware of the danger about to befall me. What is it? What is it waiting for me without warning? Oh no, it’s the dreaded FEAR CYCLE!!!

No matter how well a Couples Intensive or Marriage Intensive goes, no matter how encouraged or confident couples may be when they finish an Intensive, the therapists here at National Institute of Marriage (NIM) know that waiting for each couple as they return home is an incident that will surely result in a couple being caught up in their fear cycle. The “Sucking, Swirling, Vortex” as one wife put it is sadly just lurking under the surface ready to grab and pull us under when we least expect it. So what are we to do in the face of this inevitable fate? Let me offer the following thoughts as a way to stay focused when the Fear Cycle grabs you.

First of all, the fear cycle is never an indication of failure. As a therapist I sometimes am concerned that the impression created during fear cycle work in an Intensive, is that it must be avoided at all costs and when it occurs someone has failed. I think rather a healthier view would be to accept our humanness and realize the fear cycle is evidence that we care about ourselves, our spouse, and our relationship. The intensity of the emotions in a fear cycle would not occur if whatever is going on did not matter somehow. We need to lighten up on our expectations.

Secondly, the fear cycle is survivable. Indeed not only is it survivable it often represents important relationship opportunity. Once I accept the inevitability of the fear cycle I am in a position to learn from it. Every time I find myself caught up in my own fear buttons and reactions there is an opportunity for growth and learning. At minimum I can learn about myself. And often, if my spouse is willing to communicate about what is going on (ala Heart Talk) we can learn valuable insights about our relationship dynamics as well. Turning a fear cycle spin into an occasion for relationship discovery and insight is what moves a relationship forward. Otherwise, we become intimidated and controlled by the fear cycle.

Third, space sought for the purpose of introspection, reflection and emotional safety breaks the fear cycle. Regardless of what is going on in my spouse, if I take personal space to reflect and examine what is happening with me emotionally, I put myself in a position to respond with integrity versus being defined and controlled by my reflex reactions to a button being pushed. This is where the principle of caring for self is so important. Caring for self can be as simple as the following four steps: Aware, Accept, Attend, and Act. At NIM we refer to this as the “4 A’s” or “The Care Cycle.”

Aware - Pay attention to the alarm of a button being pushed, “Whoa! I think my button just got pushed.” Don’t hit the “Snooze Button” and miss an opportunity

Accept – Accept whatever feelings are occurring. Create a space internally that embraces the feeling even if it is painful. Accept the responsibility for addressing the feelings.

Attend – This is the step of “leaning inward” with questions aimed at gaining insight about what is happening emotionally:

• What am I feeling?
• Where are these feelings coming from? Are they familiar in some way?
• Could I be turning up the volume in some way? Does the intensity I’m feeling match the circumstances?
• What is the Truth? Are negative beliefs controlling my emotions? What am I telling myself about this situation, myself, or my spouse?
• What do I want; in terms of outcome, feelings and behavior?

Act - How can I respond in a way to affirm my integrity, health, and well being. What steps can I take to give me a chance for some of what want and long for?

Space taken to break the fear cycle differs from reactions of withdrawal and avoidance in two ways. I am using the space to examine my emotional processes as just discussed in caring for self above with the steps of Aware, Accept, Attend and Act. And, the space is temporary. When it is safe and I’m sufficiently in grasp of what is going on with me I re-engage communication with my spouse for mutual discovery and insight. The reflex actions of withdrawal and avoidance neither foster introspection or a return to communication.

Finally, a common concern can be, “How long do I wait for my spouse to return to communicate when they have taken space? What if my spouse never returns to communicate about the incident or the subsequent fear cycle?” This can be challenging. It is not unusual for one spouse to be ready and eager to seek resolution before the other spouse is. When my spouse has taken space it is an opportunity for me to use the space for myself as well. There are innumerable ways to use space for my own benefit while waiting for my spouse to return to conversation. If I have indeed done my part of examining myself and I’m uncertain as to how my spouse is progressing; a simple respectful, sensitive inquiry may let me know. “I know you need space to sort out what is going on, I want to respect that. Please know I am ready when you are to discuss what happened or might be going on between us. Do you have an idea of how much time you need? Are there other ways I can support you during this time of space?”

Generally, our spouse will feel supported during their space time if we respond similarly as above. It is our signs of impatience and judgment which usually will discourage our spouse from returning to communication. This impatience and judgment are most often communicated non-verbally and will be sensed by our spouse even when we are not aware ourselves. This is where examining ourselves thoroughly for impatience and judgment is so important. If impatience and judgment are operating in me, I probably need to spend some more time myself with self care, i.e. Aware, Accept, Attend, and Act.

The waiting Fear Cycle does not have to be like some sinister, inanimate danger lurking in the shadows or currents ready to grab us and destroy us. The Fear Cycle can be opportunity for personal and relationship insight and change. So much of how we deal with something has to do with what we believe about that “thing.” If we fear the Fear Cycle then our reaction is just going to be more fear and reaction. If we accept the Fear Cycle as evidence of our humanity and an occasion for growth then we are much more likely to meet the challenge effectively.

As always, any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I so much enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. I will try to do my best to either address your concern in a future column or respond to you directly. God Bless You and know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.

Dr. Bob Burbee

Psychologist, Intensive Therapist and Aftercare Coordinator

National Institute of Marriage