Stepping Forward –  July 2010 

Forgiveness: Get Out of Jail Free? 

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Matthew 18:21-22. 

The magnitude power of forgiveness has been widely discussed and documented. It may be the most liberating thing a human being can do, forgive. It is however supremely challenging in so many different ways. Once forgiveness happens so many things become possible, but until it does we find ourselves mired in a paralyzing morass of resentment, bitterness, envy and lust for revenge. 

At National Institute of Marriage we have regular opportunity to explore and examine the role and power of forgiveness in marriage. It seems that betrayal of all types is endemic to marriage itself. In light of this we find ourselves during Couples Intensives and Marriage Intensives addressing the dynamics of forgiveness often. I will not try to provide an exhaustive treatment of the topic but rather simply offer a few observations to stimulate your thinking and perhaps your prayers around the challenge of forgiveness. 

One of the obstacles to forgiveness is our need to see justice. To forgive and see the one who has offended moving about freely as if nothing ever happened offends a deep sense of right and wrong in a person. Where is the acknowledgement of our pain and suffering if the guilty party is free to continue in life seemingly unscathed and unfettered? “It’s not fair!” we say to ourselves. “I’m innocent and yet I appear to be the one suffering and paying the price for their mistake.” 

In this offended position we can easily feel powerless over our lives and withholding forgiveness can give us a precious sense of control. In effect we sacrifice our own lives for the sake of keeping our world aware of the injustice done to us. In so doing we become over time more and more defined by the offense until that is all we are, a victim. I am a victim of someone else’s reckless and uncaring disregard. In so many ways this is the core of every human drama, what is one to do when offended? 

Having sat with many individuals who are emotionally imprisoned by unforgiveness and wrestling with those offenses in my own life, I have learned the importance of acknowledging the validity of being a victim. The truth is I have been betrayed, lied to, manipulated, oppressed, humiliated, unfairly judged, etc. the list goes on and on. To deny this only complicates the challenge of addressing my injury. To pretend no harm was done is probably not forgiveness in the first place. If we accept the definition of forgiveness as release from some sort of debt, then to forgive requires an assessment of what that debt is. It may be gracious to excuse someone from being responsible for their misdeeds but that is different from forgiveness, even though grace is a virtue. So many persons suffering in unforgiveness experience relief when someone simply acknowledges the validity and depth of their pain, the consequences of the offense. This is especially powerful when the acknowledgement comes from the offender. 

But what if the offender is insincere in their apology or minimizes the consequences of their actions or worse doesn’t even acknowledge that an offense has occurred. What then? It seems to me that this circumstance creates a whole new layer of offense and subsequent pain. The offended person wants to say, “Not only am I unimportant as demonstrated by your betrayal, but I am further unimportant because the consequences of your actions to me are not worth acknowledging.” The sense of powerlessness and worthlessness in this circumstance is suffocating. Withholding forgiveness gives the offended some sliver of dignity by at least controlling the last sense of personhood they have left, their forgiveness. 

In the face of such a dilemma how does one forgive? Without becoming too much of a sermon let me try and narrow our attention a bit. As just described above maybe the first step is acknowledging and validating our sense of loss and injury within ourselves. As legitimate and meaningful acknowledgement and validation from the offender and others can be, ultimately no one can substitute for the judgment we place upon ourselves. I am suspicious of forgiveness predicated on a posture of worthlessness. The individual who forgives because they tell themselves, “I deserved that treatment,” or “I’m not really valuable enough to be treated with respect anyway, so no harm done, this is my lot in life to be considered no more valuable than dirt.” In the end I must acknowledge myself that what ever sense of injury I feel has some validity to it. 

As important as this first step is in forgiveness it does not accomplish forgiveness and sadly it is where many people stop in the process. Recognizing their right to retribution they hold that “right” like a precious treasure unaware or unconcerned with the brittle and dry desert growing in their heart. The power of being a victim becomes an easy trade for their opportunity to heal and be free. 

An important step to forgiveness once acknowledging the validity of an offense is somehow opening one’s heart and spirit to something new and fresh. Cherishing the title of victim essentially closes the heart and spirit. Nothing new can happen. It’s as if the person is emotionally frozen in time with their only companions being pain, loss and emotional suffering. For some, opening the heart is like a gentle dawning of a new day and for others a lightning bolt, Damascus road type of experience. In whatever way it occurs along that spectrum, it represents a warming and softening of one’s soul. 

The evidence of this opening is one’s altered and expanded perspective. As I open my heart and spirit to forgiving I become aware that there is so much more to the drama than my singular part in it. I may understand in a fresh way how Jesus suffers with me and has Himself suffered every element of my offense and more, yet He loves and forgives. I recognize that without His love and forgiveness there is no hope for me because I fail and betray His love for me many times. I may see in a new way that the offender is human, and also a victim of offense from others as well. I begin to understand that their actions as much as they wounded me were a consequence of their own fear and suffering. Essentially I begin to grasp that there is more going on than just my own pain. 

This new perspective places me in position to then take the step of turning away from the offense and no longer allow it to dominate my field of vision. Much like what God does with my sin as described in Psalms 103:12 “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” This is a change in orientation. It isn’t really forgetting, it’s just not in front of me any longer. I turn my heart, mind and spirit away from the offense to a new horizon and landscape not tainted or corrupted by the trauma behind me. In effect, I now am not simply surviving the offense, but I am transcending it to thrive and live in the full blessing of what God really wants for me. And, moreover I am somehow stronger as a result. The injury becomes and occasion for redemption and a testimony to inspire my faith and resolve to live and love unencumbered. 

As I step through this threshold of forgiveness I may at times hear rumblings behind me that tempt me to turn and embrace being a victim again, but having tasted the freedom of forgiveness I am empowered to leave it where it is and gain greater distance from that which for so long had me imprisoned. 

Forgiveness is such a deep and expansive ideal. Marriage is an ever ready workshop for perfecting forgiveness and studying the fine nuances of its power. Ultimately, I have recognized I can only forgive as I allow Christ to work in me. I am woefully inadequate to forgive on my own strength. But as Paul states in Philippians 4:13   I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” 

I pray these thoughts will encourage you, especially as it pertains to forgiving your spouse. If you find yourself in the offender position I pray these words will help you appreciate the challenge and fear your spouse is dealing with in forgiving you. As always, any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I so much enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. I will try to do my best to either address your concern in a future column or respond to you directly. God Bless You, and know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you. 

Dr. Bob Burbee

Psychologist, Intensive Therapist and Aftercare Coordinator

National Institute of Marriage