What is it about some people that crisis and challenge brings out the best in them, while others it brings out the worst? Indeed some marriages seem to rise to the occasion when stressed and challenged while other marriage relationships seem to unravel. Some relationships while certainly stressed find the occasion of the crisis an opportunity to affirm love and commitment while others deeply struggle to maintain civility. This is true even when the crisis involves betrayal of trust as with infidelity. Is there something to be learned from these couples who experience growth and resolve in the face of crisis, challenge and even betrayal?

Couples attending a Marriage Intensive or Couples Intensive at National Institute of Marriage (NIM) are by definition under severe distress and crisis. The circumstances of the relationship have deteriorated or erupted in some sort of crisis which motivates couples to seek help at NIM. Many of these couples defy explanation in their ability to find reasons to love, understand and even trust in the midst of pain and distress. These spouses and their mates are not simply engaging in naive denial, denial is simple enough to recognize. Spouses who are denying their pain, betrayal and injury typically react with defensiveness, impatience, and avoidance when asked about their pain. No, the spouses who inspire others with their courage, grace, compassion and love show something else.They have a quality of acceptance, and wide eyed appreciation of the challenge before them. They demonstrate a “can do” attitude and willingness to work on themselves and the relationship to preserve what they have deemed precious and of great worth to them, their love, commitment and relationship with their spouse.

This quality may at times be present in one spouse and not the other. But, when it is present in someone it is remarkable and challenges all who witness it. Others often reactwith questions like, “How can you do this?” Or, “I don’t understand how you can stilllove them after everything you have been through.”

The first thing evident about these individuals and their relationships is they often do not take credit for their willingness to try. These individuals will often credit their love,compassion and willingness to try to God and His work within them. They report a supernatural presence and reassurance felt internally but attributed to coming from somewhere outside themselves. It is not unusual for these individuals to report a fluctuation in their resolve and confidence due in large part to their willingness to let go and trust God to care for them and guide them.

Secondly, it is apparent that in many of these individuals they find a way to de-personalize the crisis and the circumstances surrounding their relationship distress.The sense of personal betrayal is somehow balanced by perspective that the crisis is complicated and there is more involved than their own betrayal or injury. Somehow these individuals are able to see past their own injury to recognize the pain in their spouse and have compassion for their spouse, even in the face of outrageous betrayal. This is in sharp contrast to spouses who become mired in their pain and are often unable to recognize or have compassion for their spouse’s pain.

One other characteristic of these individuals is an interest, even conviction to attack the problem rather than their spouse. These individuals recognize and maintain a belief inthe best of their spouse and want to attack the “problem.” They see the “problem” as external to their mate. In spouses who are at an impasse there is often a perception that the problem is indeed their mate. These spouses struggle to see a larger more complicated picture and stay fixated on their mate’s failure. The spouses who are rapidly moving toward healing and resolution seem to let go of the need to assign blame and rather areeager to address the dynamics going on in the relationship which left the relationship vulnerable to distress and injury.

These are only a few of the qualities present in these spouses who inspire the rest of uswith their courage, love, grace and commitment. Witnessing this kind of conviction and courage is what makes the job of marriage therapist often rewarding and inspiring. I have learned so much from the brave couples who so vulnerably come to Intensives at NIM.The work often feels like it is teaching me more than I may be teaching others. Often when working with someone who is displaying the kind of courage I have described, I simply want to get out of the way and somehow support the path they are already on. I recognize often that God is working in a person and their marriage in ways that defy mypowers of comprehension and understanding. It is a privilege in those instances to simply be a witness to God working in people’s lives.

My hope is that this discussion may encourage you to consider allowing God to work something in you that you cannot accomplish with your own resources and effort.Perhaps God is simply waiting for your surrender to begin working in you the kind of miracle described above. It seems as we allow Him greater and greater authority in ourlives and relationships we can grow in directions which lead to healing and resolution.In this way maybe you too could begin to see your relationship challenges and crises bring out the best in you and your mate.

As always, any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I so much enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. I will try to do my best to either address your concern in a future column or respond to you directly. God bless you, and know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.
Dr. Bob Burbee Licensed Psychologist, Intensive Therapist National Institute of Marriage