Here in the Ozarks growing tomatoes is a bit of an art form. So many of our friends and family put out tomato plants each year and everyone seems to have their own opinion on how to nurture the biggest and tastiest tomatoes. My family has always been of the persuasion that tomato plants do best if they are staked and tied up for support while they are growing. I’ve met folks in other parts of the country where they just let the vines spread out on the ground any direction the plants want to go. In the Ozarks the turtles, rabbits and tomato worms have a hay day with the fruit if the plants are not staked and encouraged to grow with support.

Thinking about my tomato plants and the need to give them appropriate support has set me to thinking recently how important support is to couples who have completed a Marriage Intensive or Couples Intensive. A marriage is not unlike a plant which needs attention and support if it is to reach its potential for bearing fruit. Supporting couples after they have completed an Intensive is a huge challenge for NIM. Many couples seem content to return home and apply what they experienced and learned in the Intensive on their own with little support from us. Other couples have networks of support from family, church, friends and community which help couples easily transition to application and growth. Still other couples despair of any support and struggle to stay on the path of relationship recovery.

Support from others is not required to live a life of integrity, health and vitality but it can sure make a difference. My wife Mary Jo and I have been very blessed over the years with wonderfully supportive friends and family. People loved and cared about us enough to be present in our lives and sometimes demonstrate that support in tangible ways by helping with their resources, knowledge and skill. These friends and family have helped us move, bought or gave us furniture, sponsored ministry endeavors but mostly listened, cared and let us give to them as well. I think we have benefited from our giving support to others probably more than when we have been the recipients. What I especially love are those relationships where support has been so mutual and so fluid we could scarcely keep track of who was supporting who. The relationships were just so integrated into the fabric of our lives no one seemed to be keeping score on how support and caring was being shared.

Like a lot of virtues in life giving and receiving support often needs intention to occur. There have been moments to be sure when caring seemed to flow with very little effort but most of the time whether giving or receiving, we have had to initiate supportive caring interaction. On the receiving side we have had to swallow our pride, risk being vulnerable and let others know of our need. On the giving side we have had to recognize a need and respond sometimes without an invitation. Either way, support and caring didn’t just happen; initiative and action were needed to accomplish a supportive caring exchange with someone.

For couples returning home after an Intensive it would appear intention and planning are important for support to occur. For some couples the best way to build on the experience from an Intensive is to reach out somehow to others in need. We have heard some amazing stories of couples returning home to bless others with their testimony of breakthrough and recovery. One example would be those couples reporting a “Pay It Forward” initiative, where someone paid for their Intensive with the stipulation if they were helped then they would pay for someone else. After their Intensive they extended the offer to some couple they knew who needed to escape the heartbreak of marital dysfunction and possible divorce with the same stipulation. Who knows how far reaching such generosity can go? What a generous and thoughtful idea!

Other couples have taken the step of taking into confidence a friend and requested prayer, accountability and support. These relationships have been instrumental for some couples staying on the path of recovery and relationship renewal. This is a very vulnerable step to take but can be extremely rewarding for everyone involved. Good communication between friends about how giving and receiving support will occur seems to be essential in these relationships. These relationships can be challenging when change seems to be coming slow or people seem to lose ground. Knowing how to maintain hope and connection in spite of setbacks is key to these relationships being supportive and caring over time. Being vulnerable and open without unrealistic expectations can be delicate but worth the time and effort from everyone involved. Again, communication is essential to the supportive process working.

Here at NIM we continue to seek ways to leverage our resources effectively to support couples following an Intensive experience. Currently, we send every couple home with a 15 lesson study on relationship principles to help them remain focused on recovery. This study, Producing a Blockbuster Marriage: Writing Our Love Story, can be studied spouses together or independently. Couples are also given an Intensive Manual with loads of insight and explanation. There is a follow up phone counseling session provided to every couple who participates in an Intensive. Couples simply call the NIM office to arrange this follow up phone session a few weeks following their Intensive. Ongoing phone counseling is also available at a cost less than what most out of office marital counseling might be.

NIM also recently has been providing some significant discounts to Intensive alumni for “Follow Up Intensives.” Couples are able to return to NIM for a second Intensive experience and many couples are finding the second time through the experience to be even more meaningful because they already understand many of the principles and concepts of healthy marriage but either need review or deeper exploration of how to apply the principles to their specific situation. Most recently NIM has begun to make “Hybrid-Intensives” available to couples who are able to travel to the Branson area. These Hybrid-Intensives are typically 2-8 hours in length and can be scheduled at weekly or monthly intervals depending on the needs of an individual couple. We are excited about this new service and how it will enable us to provide follow up as well as initial service to couples.

As I write this I’m looking out at my back yard where we have planted a few tomato plants this year and noticing they need some attention. The plants have started producing fruit. Is there anything better than a bacon and tomato sandwich with your own tomatoes? Caring for people and relationships is a dynamic endeavor. Just like my tomato plants, support and caring are not just one time events but need updating and ongoing attention. We hope to continue to find ways to support and care about the couples we have served in a Marriage Intensive or Couples Intensive. Pray for us that God will direct us and give us insight on how to do so.

As always, any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I so much enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. Maybe you have the secret to growing great tomatoes. Or, maybe you have had a great experience of either giving or receiving support in your efforts toward a great marriage. I will try to do my best to either address your concern in a future column or respond to you directly. God Bless You, and know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.

Dr. Bob Burbee

Psychologist, Intensive Therapist and Aftercare Coordinator

National Institute of Marriage