Last month I had the great honor of speaking at a Christian Marriage Conference in Sipi Falls, Uganda, Africa. This was the first trip my wife Mary Jo and I had ever taken outside the United States. For many years I have dreamed about being a part of a missions trip and this was our chance. I spoke to a group of Ugandan pastors, church leaders and their spouses. These gentle and exceedingly hospitable folk sat on wooden benches for three full days to learn about Christian Marriage. It was a terrific opportunity for me and a wonderful challenge to organize what I have learned and come to believe about Christian marriage in a package not dictated by American culture. How much of what I know about marriage is dependent on American culture, I asked myself. I experienced tremendous confirmation for most of what we promote at National Institute of Marriage as essential to healthy marriage. Because this was a rural area of Uganda, and all of the people maintain garden plots to supply their food, I used the following theme to center my presentations on. “A great marriage is like a well cultivated garden.” I returned to this theme often through the conference and those in attendance seemed to appreciate the analogy.

More than the learning I experienced in preparing for the conference I was deeply impacted by the faith and devotion of the people I met in Uganda. As I have reflected on the experience I am aware of many lessons. One thing I observed I think is particularly relevant for this column and the challenges couples face following an Intensive. The poverty of the people in Uganda is severe by American standards. The people I met and worked with, however, displayed an amazing capacity for gratitude. I’ve never met people more thankful and grateful than I met in Uganda. These people who have so little materially were deeply appreciative of even the slightest attention and consideration.

It occurs to me how critical a spirit of gratitude is to the challenge of waiting. Waiting for anything in America is a sign that something is wrong. We look for the shortest lines at the grocery store and resent having to wait for an available gas pump. If the electricity ever goes off we anxiously watch the clock unable to function until the power comes back on. In Uganda where we were, the people wait for everything. They wait for crops to grow. They wait for electricity to come to their village. They wait for promised salaries to be paid by the government. One gentleman I met, is a school teacher and has not been paid his salary by the government for four months. Yet he is faithful to come to school each day and teach his students with enthusiasm and integrity. This was amazing to me. And then I thought of how often I am in a position of waiting in important relationships in my life, waiting to be heard, waiting for a chance to show I am different, waiting to love and be loved.

The notion of “Waiting Well” is sometimes addressed in Intensives, particularly as it pertains to honoring our spouse’s wall. When my spouse erects a wall I typically try to circumvent it in some way, try to break through it, only to discover they are much better at repairing and erecting the wall than I am at bringing it down. Other times I just collapse at the base of my spouse’s wall devastated, wailing, crying out, “Why are you doing this to me?” Still other times I might simply turn on my heel and leave when confronted with their wall, “Fine, I’ll go find someone who appreciates me.” None of these options hold much integrity when you think about it.

Waiting well means we take the pain of being rejected and excluded as an opportunity for personal growth and improvement. Among the Sabine people we met and worked with in Uganda, they do not sit on their hands and twiddle their thumbs when waiting. Waiting is a time of preparation and planning. They apply themselves where they can make a difference and prepare to receive provision. Waiting is not a time of despair although it can mean hardship and doing without. Waiting is a time to tidy one’s home and do the things you can do so that when provision comes you can take full advantage of it. If a Sabine family ignored their garden or home during the dry season then when the rains came it would be too late to plant and their mud homes would deteriorate because they had not reapplied the mud and manure mixture to the outside of their “banda” (a round house built with dried mud walls and grass roof). The rains would erode their home and they would be in worse conditions than before. The ground would become too heavy with water for the cattle to pull the plow and turn the soil for planting. Thus no crop would be planted and the consequences would be long term. I saw in Africa how necessary work and effort are in times of waiting.

There is no more valuable asset to a marriage than one’s own health, vitality, and integrity. As painful and discouraging as it is to be faced with my spouse’s wall there is integrity in waiting. Waiting well honors God, myself, and even ultimately my spouse. This is not an easy truth to embrace but the rewards are significant. Every effort made during a time of waiting to purify my heart and prepare for God’s provision in my life will reap a harvest of blessing both now and even in eternity. Friends, let us embrace the opportunity to “Wait Well.”

Any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . God Bless You and know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.

Dr. Bob Burbee

Psychologist, Intensive Therapist and Aftercare Coordinator

National Institute of Marriage