Sometimes the most profound insights are the most obvious. It is interesting to me
how often couples worry that effective communication will require long and tedious
discussions. Husbands will report that the moment he hears the words, “We need to
talk, he is running for the door. Wives will report frustration at not being heard after
repeating the same message several times over. Spouses have complained that their
conversations about relationship matters just turn into marathon gripe sessions in which
they feel beat up and as though they are failing as a spouse and could never measure up
to their partner’s expectations. We so often witness just the opposite during Intensives. It
is not unusual for couples to report that an issue which they have not been able to make
progress with for years; they are able to make dramatic progress within minutes during
their work at an Intensive. Why is this? What is going on at an Intensive that makes it
possible for couples to make so much progress in such a short period of time?

Let’s look at a few of the elements guiding communication during Intensive Marital
Therapy which are very powerful but might be overlooked because they are so obvious.
It should become evident how these elements can be present between husband and wife
going forward following an Intensive. First of all, emotional safety is of the utmost
importance during an Intensive. National Institute of Marriage therapists are constantly
monitoring the process during an Intensive to encourage couples to make personal and
relationship safety a priority. Sometimes this means delaying an issue until both spouses
are ready to engage. Other times it means being careful to avoid language which is
attacking and blaming. This attention to safety can’t be overemphasized and guides so
much of what happens during an Intensive. While this commitment to safety is pursued
by the Intensive therapists, it is the couples themselves who cooperate and demonstrate
safety to each other. One need not have a therapist present to make safety a priority once
the value of safety is understood and protected. Anytime a specific issue or agenda being
pursued by either spouse becomes more important than personal and relational safety,
trouble is not far around the corner. If the protection of safety is discarded, emotional
wounding is sure to occur.

Secondly, when couples are coached to Heart Talk and communicate more effectively,
the pace of communication is slowed down. Just simply following the system of Heart
Talk slows the process down enough to enable spouses to understand and be heard. This
is often counter-intuitive to people when they feel intensely about an issue. Slowing
the pace of their talking, reducing the amount of information being conveyed, and
delaying reactions to the other’s comments all contribute significantly to improving
the communication process.  Many of us have grown up believing if we don’t say
it fast, if we lose the “floor,” or if we don’t say it while we are thinking it; we won’t
be understood. These are the very actions that draw conversation out and lead to being
caught up in our reactive “Fear Cycle,” which tends to just go on and on without real
understanding or resolution. Slowing down, is a powerful tool for making communication
more efficient. By going slow we actually get farther on an issue and with greater results.
This can be difficult for some spouses to believe initially, but once they experience the
power of slowing down they rarely deny its effectiveness.

A third and again very obvious element of effective communication is softening. The
transformation in couples during an Intensive is often dramatic. Spouses who report
that they normally shout at one another often experience deep transformation by simply
lowering their voices and becoming softer in their communication. This factor is so
obvious yet may go unnoticed even by the couple themselves. When asked what is
different about their communication after being coached through a Heart Talk, couples
will report, “It seemed like she really cared about what I was saying,” or “He didn’t look
all mad and like he couldn’t wait to get it over with,” or “We weren’t getting loud and
belligerent like we normally do.” Softening seems to be deeply related to caring. When
spouses “harden” themselves they tend to become entrenched in some point of view or
agenda. Softening seems to open people up to understand each other and even care about
each other in fresh ways. It is not unusual to see couples reach out and touch or even
embrace after just a few minutes of effective emotional communication. It would appear
we all want and desire deep connection and intimacy. It is so much of why we married in
the first place. Over time walls of resentment and a hardness of heart grows. When this
hardness begins to soften it is powerful in releasing caring and affection in a relationship.
This softening is not as much a result as it is a conscious intentional choice by someone
to open up and let themselves be affected by the process of emotional communication. A
choice to let caring occur.

Safety, slowing down, and becoming soft seem to be critical variables in whether or
not effective communication occurs between spouses. Often couples will attribute their
improved communication to the guidance and presence of their therapists during an
Intensive. This is true to some extent but not always as significant as might be assumed.
A trained therapist is not forcing anything. The best outcomes in therapy are simply
pointing out to couples how to experience what they already know they want but have
been too afraid or lacked skill in how to get there. Once fear has been addressed and
some confidence is gained many couples can make tremendous progress. This
progress is not dependent upon having a therapist present. Safety, slowing down and
softening are key to these changes. To be sure when couples are stuck and uncertain
about how to proceed, a therapist providing guidance and insight can be significant; however,
a therapist will only be as effective as people allow them to be. The ultimate control of
change always lies with individuals being open. In many cases the therapist may simply
model for spouses how to slow the process, soften, and make safety a priority. Safety,
slowing down and softening go a long way to building on the changes couples make
following an Intensive at National Institute of Marriage.

Any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you
would like addressed please email me at  This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . God Bless
You and know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.

Dr. Bob Burbee