Welcome to this new section of the National Institute of Marriage e-newsletter we call, “Stepping Forward.” This section of the newsletter will be devoted to answering questions and concerns from Intensive alumni. If you have been through a Couples Intensive (4 day group), Marriage Intensive (2 day), or Spouse Intensive and would like to see us address issues you have encountered in returning home after an Intensive. This section is for you. I hope to gather questions and comments from alumni and address them each month in the newsletter. If you have had issues related to applying and building on what you learned and experienced at your Intensive please send them to me, Dr. Bob Burbee, After Care Coordinator at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it and I will do my best to try and address those concerns each month in the newsletter. I’m looking forward to developing more dialogs with those who have been through our programs. Thank you in advance for your interest.

This month I would like to comment on the common experience of being pulled back into the Fear Cycle. We always tell couples as they leave to be prepared for when the Fear Cycle jumps up again. After a great experience at the Intensive husbands and wives can easily be discouraged when they find themselves feeling familiar negative emotions and then even disillusioned when they see how easily they fell into familiar reaction patterns.

The key to breaking the Fear Cycle is slowing down. It is so simple and yet can be so challenging to do. Many Intensive alumni will recall seeing the word “SPACE” being written across the arrow between their buttons and their reactions. The idea is to become aware enough of the cycle to create some space between the emotions being felt and the reactions we often reflexively resort to. This space slows the process down and actually breaks the cycle because you are not reacting when you are using space to examine your feelings more.

One of the most common distractions from slowing down and using space to deal with our emotions is the behavior of our spouse. Monitoring and trying to manage our spouse’s behavior and emotions almost always leads to our buttons getting pushed in some way and before we know it the Fear Cycle is spinning. Be alert to how much you may be letting your spouse control your emotions by being focused on what they should be doing or not doing. By “staying in your own yard” you increase the likelihood that you will behave with integrity and that increases the likelihood that your spouse will respond in kind. When our spouse sees us being different it is a powerful message that we and the relationship is changing. Beware the trap of thinking, “They aren’t changing so why should I try.” My wellbeing and integrity are my most powerful tools for bringing change into the marriage.

Avoiding the Fear Cycle is a life long relationship challenge. The good news is things get better with generous applications of grace and a commitment to being open to learn from mistakes. The follow up study Producing a Blockbuster Marriage: Writing Our Love Story can be a support to this process. If you don’t have a copy check on the website for how you can get one. It is our most recent resource and was designed especially with Intensive alumni in mind.

Until next month, stay focused, keep stepping forward and remember to “SLOW DOWN.” Be sure to send me any comments or questions you would like me to address in this column by sending an email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

God Bless You and Your Spouse.

Dr. Bob Burbee

After Care Coordinator

National Institute of Marriage