Picture the scene, the Garden of Eden, God parades all of the creatures he has created before Adam who is given the task of naming each one. God affirms that a “suitable helper” for Adam is not found among all of creation. So, God forms Eve with Adam’s rib and presents her to Adam, who recognizes immediately that this new creature is like himself and cherished above all other of God’s creations. The Genesis narrative tells us that the Man and the Woman become one, naked and unashamed. Contained in the story is the direction from God to man, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature…” (Gen. 1:28)

As a marriage therapist I spend a good portion of my time and energy assisting struggling, distressed, and hurt couples moving themselves and their marriage toward a path of deeply fulfilling intimacy. Recently I have had the opportunity with other NIM team members to reflect that intimacy is not the only goal God had in mind for marriage. Indeed, intimate marriage positions husband and wife to be used by God for His purposes. Marriage, for all the fulfillment intimacy can bring is perhaps not complete unless it leads individuals in the intimate relationship to purposeful activity which expresses God’s power, love and presence in the world. As great as lounging in the bedroom with grapes, cheese, soft sheets and great intimate connection can be, that intimacy is meant to inspire, perhaps even empower us to impact our children, neighbors and those in need in our community. Adam and Eve were provided the opportunity to know and enjoy intimacy and were given the challenge to be productive. Intimacy and productivity were not meant to be separate but both expressions of God’s divine image in us.

A great marriage is probably expressed in how a husband and wife balance the attention to intimacy with the attention to being fruitful and productive. It doesn’t take a lot of reflection to recognize that these two elements of God’s design in us can become imbalanced. Consider the sadly familiar story of the couple after many years of pursuing some sense of purpose discover they have lost their intimate connection. It may be a job, a ministry, children, etc. almost any worthwhile pursuit can become the dominating interest in a person’s life to the exclusion and neglect of marital intimacy. At National Institute of Marriage we see couples every day who have lost their intimate connection because they allowed a worthwhile purpose dominate their relationship with sad results. There is something so sad in the story of a marriage between faithful individuals who sacrifice so much to achieve some worthy purpose in the world only to neglect to be faithful to the closeness and partnership between them. In the end not only are the individuals left aching with loneliness and loss but the enterprise they worked so hard to build may be undermined by the damaged and neglected relationship.

While the above scenario is familiar the other end of the spectrum is possible as well. Many couples flounder to take their relationship to new heights of fulfillment because they never quite develop a sense of purpose and mission for their relationship that goes beyond simply “meeting each other’s needs.” If husband and wife fail to cultivate a sense of purpose which goes beyond themselves they may find themselves distracted with trivial entertainments which gratify their interest in being stimulated but the entertainments do not fulfill the deep human longing to make a difference in the world. A date to the newest restaurant in town can be an occasion to foster intimacy, but how does that entertainment lead to making a difference in their world. The familiar story of spouses losing touch with each other because they started pursuing individual entertainments only to find their spouse is not interesting anymore. “We are too different, we don’t have anything in common,” becomes a justification for ending the marriage to find someone else who presumably will be more similar. These relationships may have failed to seek a deeper and broader sense of purpose than simply being “happy” with each other.

Marriages and the people in them thrive when they allow the strength and depth of their closeness propel them into a hurting world starving for genuine loving contact. A husband and wife team committed to being lead by God into the world for His purposes, are a force unmatched by anything else in creation. It is all part of God’s plan for humans. Intimacy? Yes, unequivocally yes. And, the joy of being instruments of God as He pursues His beloved children in the world. There is something so deeply fulfilling when spouses recognize they are making sacrifices personally and relationally in order to serve some Godly purpose. It may involve being faithful to a budget denying impulse purchases so that charitable giving goals can be met. It may involve something as large as choosing a job which is less income but allows for more time and investment in children and family activities. These are choices led by a sense of mission and purpose. What are we doing with the blessing, talent, gifting and resources God has provided us as husband and wife? Whether it’s becoming foster parents or leading a neighborhood watch program, couples who let themselves dream and listen to God’s leading in their marriage open themselves to deep fulfillment. The fulfillment of seeking God’s purposes is the perfect compliment to the fulfillment found in deeply satisfying intimacy.

So, how would you assess the balance of intimacy and purpose in your marriage? Are you and your spouse experiencing fulfillment in both categories? Do you regularly feel close, secure and safe with your spouse? If not maybe intimacy and closeness needs to be attended to. Set aside some of your worthwhile pursuits to attend to the precious relationship between you. Do you feel like a team mate with your spouse? Are there challenges you and your spouse are embracing to make a difference in your world together? Do you feel a sense of satisfaction that you and your spouse are contributing in some meaningful way to a Godly purpose God has called you too? If not maybe some conversation about where life is taking you is in order. Maybe it’s time to evaluate priorities and expectations. Are you living the life you dreamed when you married? What’s missing?

Remember, it’s not intimacy or purpose. It seems God has always intended marriage to include both. Creating and crafting a lifestyle that affirms both intimacy and purpose gives you a great chance to thrive both personally and relationally. As always, any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I so much enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. I will try to do my best to either address your concern in a future column or respond to you directly. God Bless You, and know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.
   
Dr. Bob Burbee
Licensed Psychologist, Intensive Therapist
National Institute of Marriage