A friend recently shared with me an audio recording of an Flight Attendant giving the standard preflight safety instructions. What was remarkable about the recording is the Flight Attendant’s accent was so pronounced it was very difficult to understand her directions. Imagine someone trying to communicate to you essential information for your safety but you can’t understand the message because the delivery is unintelligible. In one sense when we are confronted with unclear communication it will challenge us to listen more carefully to hear the content of the message.

But, at some point we will give up trying to get the message because it is just too difficult. If
you have ever traveled in another country and tried to communicate with someone who was
very proud of their English speaking ability but found their accent so pronounced you couldn’t
understand what they were saying, you can relate to the problem I’m describing. Perhaps you
have been in the position of trying to speak a language you have had some education with but when you tried to communicate with a native speaker you discovered just how poorly your skill with the language actually was.

The application of this illustration is of course the challenges of communication which occur in
marital relationships. Most spouses have had the experience of trying to understand what their
spouse is trying to communicate or trouble trying to be understood. In the midst of the frustration to understand many spouses simply give up, much like an airline passenger who is trying to listen to a stewardess with a pronounced accent.

It occurs to me in this Christmas season the challenge God has in trying to communicate to
each of us. God we are told in the Bible loves us and has gone to great lengths to communicate this love to us. His love for us is a source of hope that somehow in spite of our circumstances and our limitations and failings God desires relationship with us and promises to care for us in our sufferings. Yet for a variety of reasons we can be deaf to His message or simply concludeit is too hard to understand and stop listening. It is this “failure to communicate” which sadly characterizes so much of our relationship with God as well as our relationship with our spouses.

As I reflect on this communication challenge my heart skips a beat when I think of baby Jesus.
When I read the Christmas story one theme sounds loud and clear, in an out of the way stable a baby is born that is the hope of humanity. And, everyone who is in the presence of that child is aware of the hope he brings. It is not a hope fully realized or delivered on but the hope of what will be. Baby Jesus is the message of hope we all are desperate for. It is the hope of closeness with a Heavenly Father and the hope of peace with our neighbor. In both relationships we are not completely there but that baby, that story of Mary and Joseph, the angels and shepherds, the wise men, all of it holds our attention and fills us with hope. Because of Jesus we have hope for love, peace and good will with our Heavenly Father and each other.

When I look at the Christmas story this way it is so clear to me how much hope God desires me to have. Hope is a powerful emotion. For so many of the couples who go through the Intensive programs at National Institute of Marriage, hope is the most precious discovery they have during an Intensive. Hope inspires me to reach a little deeper for love, grace, and patience. Hope for a great marriage helps me accept we aren’t where we want to be but helps me celebrate even the smallest of indications that we aren’t where we once were. Hope supports a husband who recognizes his failures of the past and yearns to be better. Hope comforts a wife who fears of measuring up to expectations which seem impossible to meet but she knows are an expression of fear and disappointment. Hope brings a husband and wife together in front of a Christmas tree lit up in a darkened family room while children sleep nearby and they pray for God’s help to be better spouses to each other and give their children the experience of growing up in a home different from the homes they each survived when they were children. Yes, hope is a powerful thing.

Even when the sting of not being where we want to be is present, hope allows us to transcend the disappointment and believe we are capable of more and our spouse is capable of more. Most of all hope inspires us to believe God is somehow present and working his redemptive genius to take our miserable circumstances and bring about some sort of good; which we can’t even imagine in the moment, but we… hope will become evident in the foreseeable future.

This Christmas I am challenged to somehow send to my spouse and my loved ones a clear
message of hope. I want to let those I love most know that even though I haven’t fulfilled all my promises, I am committed and on the way. I hope to become what God has designed me to be. I want to let those I love the most know I have hope in what God is doing in their life as well. I want them to know I accept their not being all the way there yet, and that my hope inspires acceptance of their worth and value as well as patience as we walk the path together.

I have a few more days before Christmas to figure out how I’m going to communicate this.
I “hope” I can send the message clearly, maybe not as clearly as a baby in a manger with angels, shepherds, etc. but nevertheless clear. I have hope.

Maybe you would want to communicate hope too. Christmas is a great time to emphasize hope. Are there ways you can say to your spouse you have hope. Hope is a powerful thing. And, if you are not sure you really have hope to share. Spend some time with the Christmas story. Let your imagination help you visit the scene of the Christ child in “swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.” Watch a good Christmas movie. Listen to someone else’s story of hope. There are lots of places to find hope if we are willing to look. Losing hope is painful but it need not be terminal. The miracle of Christmas is often finding hope when it seems lost. Let God give you the hope you can not muster for yourself. I believe He can do this for us if we let Him know we want it.

As always I so appreciate your comments and reactions to this column. Please don’t hesitate to email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or call the office at 417 335-5882. Let us know
how we can support you in your journey toward a great marriage.

Merry Christmas from all of us at National Institute of Marriage.

Dr. Bob Burbee, National Institute of Marriage