What does it mean to be “faithful”? We use the term “unfaithful” to describe a spouse who has become involved in an extramarital affair of some kind. “Keeping faith,” being “Faithful” seems so much more complicated though than simply not engaging in infidelity. Faithfulness seems like one of those character traits which possesses elements of love, commitment, loyalty, and patience. I suppose the quality of “presence” or being close by, ready and attentive would be part of faithfulness too. A quick Bible study of the term “faithful” surfaced terms like trustworthy, true, certain, steadfast, and sure. A great Biblical example of faithfulness is the character of Ruth, who given the opportunity to leave her mother in law chooses to be faithful to her husbands mother. The whole Ruth story is such a beautiful example of human beings taking the principle of faithfulness to redemptive outcomes.

Faithfulness is often a quality desired in marriage.  What does it mean to be faithful in marriage? Again, the character quality of faithfulness seems so much more than simply avoiding inappropriate sexual or emotional intimacies. The temptations and opportunities to be “unfaithful” to one’s marriage are sadly very accessible. It could be argued that unfaithfulness occurs well before the consequences of sexual or emotional infidelity occur. Before someone takes a step of inappropriate intimacy they have betrayed their own commitment to be faithful to God, themselves, and their spouse. This is an event of the heart, the infidelity is simply the external evidence of the betrayal already occurring within the person.

When we look more closely to the impact of faithfulness and the consequences of unfaithfulness it becomes apparent that faithfulness is not just desirable it is essential to a vibrant, healthy marriage. Notice that faithfulness is not a quality measured or dependent upon the faithfulness of one’s spouse. Faithfulness is an expression of the integrity and character of an individual. It is not a relationship quality it is a personal characteristic.

Several years ago, an uncle of mine blessed me so deeply by his example of faithfulness. At my aunt’s funeral, after suffering from a long debilitating illness that left her requiring around the clock care and attention, I expressed to my uncle my sympathy for what must have been an unimaginable ordeal for him. He stopped me abruptly and stated, “Bob, you don’t understand. It has been my honor these last 12 months to care for her. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.” Talk about faithfulness! Talk about love! I left that conversation praying God would do in me something that would make me capable of that kind of love and faithfulness! I can imagine someone enduring the care of a loved one out of a sense of duty but my uncle expressed more than simple love for his wife. He saw caring for her as an “honor.” Only love could transform his sense of duty into an embrace of the opportunity to be faithful to her beyond anyone’s expectations.

This quality of faithfulness is tested many times in a marriage. We all find out sooner or later that our spouse is not a perfect person. They have quirks and habits, values and prejudices that baffle us and exasperate us at times. Faithfulness is that quality of being trustworthy and true when we have all the justification needed to fall toward judgment, resentment, and contempt for our spouse.

At National Institute of Marriage (NIM) we often suggest to couples it is not the issues themselves that destroy a marriage but the manner in which people address the issues which ultimately defines the quality of a relationship. Faithfulness is one of those character traits which seem to lift people above the injuries and stings to the heart that can happen in marriage. Choosing to be faithful when there is an opportunity to gratify a desire for payback, momentary comfort, or escape elevates us toward maturity and integrity like nothing else. The person who is faithful remains focused on expressing the character of Christ within them. The surge of anger or flush of excitement are deflected from a deep commitment to be, “better than that.” It is this passion for integrity which faithfulness expresses and blesses everyone present, even the one who is choosing to be faithful.

I remember years ago working with a woman in her late forties who was in the unfortunate position of trying to cope with the aftermath of her husband’s brain damage due to diabetic seizures and subsequent coma. What made the circumstances particularly challenging was her husband’s condition could have been prevented had he been more responsible in managing his diabetes. While her husband looked the same on the outside, functionally he became more like a child with the emotional maturity of a 12yr old. She was in therapy trying to sort out her grief over losing the man she had married and determining how she would cope going forward. I’ll never forget her courage and resolve as she effectively chose to love and be faithful to her husband even though almost anyone would have understood her distancing from him. She didn’t simply choose to stay with him out of respect for her marriage vows. She went way beyond simple duty to explore and determine to love, honor, and cherish her husband as he was. She determined to be faithful in loving him even in the face of grieving the loss of the person she had originally married. Again, I came away from the experience inspired to be more surrendered to Christ so that I too might know that kind of love and faithfulness.

Marital crisis and distress can bring out the worst in us. It can also be an occasion for growth and discovery of what is best and most precious in us. Faithful persons embrace the faith, hope, and opportunity to believe something better is possible. It is a beautiful and precious expression of love and it is most clear when set in the context of marital disappointment, pain, and despair. God is our ultimate model of faithfulness. He has been faithful to us when we were in rebellion, estranged from Him and unappreciative of His grace. He is therefore capable of imparting to us the quality of faithfulness we desire, in this way we become shining examples of His character in us.

Whew! That’s deep stuff to ponder. I pray your journey to greater faithfulness to God and your marriage will be supported by these thoughts. I must admit I’m challenged myself as I prepare this column to more fully embrace the faithfulness God desires in me. As always, any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I so much enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. I will try to do my best to either address your concern in a future column or respond to you directly. God Bless You, and know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.

Dr. Bob Burbee

Psychologist, Intensive Therapist and Aftercare Coordinator

National Institute of Marriage