Do Over! Do Over!
by Dr. Bob Burbee
This is what my neighborhood pals and I would say whenever we had a dispute in a game we were playing. If you felt taken by surprise and you didn’t recognize you needed to be alert you could call for a “Do Over.” If the surprise gave the other guy an unfair advantage you could call for a “Do Over.” If you just simply felt you could do better with another chance you could call for a “Do Over.” The idea was that you should have a chance to do your best. The situation wasn’t really considered “fair,” unless you were giving your best effort.
Ideally, if you still got bested when you were given a chance to do your best then you would concede the point and move on. Occasionally, someone wouldn’t accept being bested and so the “Do Over” got exploited to the point of ridiculousness. The other person kept calling for “Do Overs” again and again and never accepted being beat. When this happened, better judgment would direct us to simply stop the game and do something else. On some occasions; however, it was unfair for the other person not to accept they lost, so a contest of wills would ensue to see who’s version of what was fair was going to win out. It became then a competition over who was the better debater and would dominate and get their way. Usually we saw the importance of keeping peace and preserving friendship over winning an argument. If somebody was really bad at this you just avoided them and as a result the friendship was weakened. Sometimes someone was easier to get along with in some games than others. I had friends who were great when it came to getting along while playing tag, but trying to play one on one basketball with them was impossible! So with that friend we wouldn’t play basketball, we would simply play something else.
What guided us (even though we couldn’t have articulated it very well at the time) was a sense of keeping the relationship tension free. Without tension everyone enjoyed themselves and we felt good about being friends. Tension warned a fight was coming. At least for me I didn’t want to fight unless I was sure I could take the other guy. If I felt I could take him then I wasn’t so motivated to be agreeable. It even felt powerful to assert my preferences on the play because if it went bad, I was going to win anyway. When I didn’t feel confident in standing up to someone then I was wary and cautious. The more it felt mutual and affirming the more I was willing to play. The more tension and the more I lacked confidence the more I avoided and was cautious.
As I’m reflecting on those experiences as a kid with my neighborhood friends, I’m struck at how not much has changed. In fact, those same dynamics seem to be present in my marriage. There are so many times I’m asking Mary Jo for a “Do Over.” I neglected to thank her for a kindness or thoughtfulness and she was disappointed I didn’t recognize her effort. I react impulsively to something she said rather than fully listen to her before responding. I forgot to complete the errand I promised I would take care of. The list goes on and on.
The simple humbling truth is that I am not always operating at my best. When the relationship goes in the ditch because I wasn’t paying close enough attention or failed to recognize the ramifications of the moment, I kick myself. “Criminently!!!, How can you be so stupid!,” I say to myself. “Maybe, I can get a Do Over and try again,” I tell myself. At that point I begin pleading with Mary Jo for a second chance. Thankfully, I am married to a woman who is very forgiving and willing to give me a second, third, fourth, or even 50th chance. The problem is that sometimes I am so eager to prove to her I can do better I don’t do a very good job of validating the hurt or disappointment my thoughtlessness created. Just because I can do better doesn’t erase the fact I didn’t in that moment. It has seemed really important to validate with a sincere apology that I really did blow it and would appreciate the free gift of another chance. In my worst moments I come off as though I “deserve” or I’m “entitled” to another chance. This is bad form. Mary Jo appropriately is much less agreeable to my getting another chance when I fail to validate her hurt and disappointment.
So a critical piece of insight I’m learning about when asking for another chance is being careful to sincerely acknowledge my mistake and validate the other person’s disappointment before asking for another chance.
In addition, the consideration of “Do Over” challenges me to consider how agreeable and open I am to granting Do Overs? Am I willing to let go of my disappointment and let Mary Jo take another chance at demonstrating her best? Ohh… that’s a bit more dicey isn’t it? I really want the privilege of a Do Over when I make a mistake, it is another matter entirely when Mary Jo wants a Do Over from me. To be the guy God made me to be, the man I want to be, I have to admit being free with Do Overs is part of that picture.
These Do Overs are small but significant opportunities to practice grace and forgiveness. Jesus said, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14-15, NIV) Ouch! This means my posture of grace and willingness to forgive may influence God’s posture toward me. Where is that more tested than in a marriage relationship?! What if God used the way I forgive Mary Jo as the standard by which He forgives me? This calls for some serious reflection. I would much rather He use how forgiving I am to almost anyone else than how forgiving I am to my spouse. Yet, I can not deny the challenge in Jesus words.
Jesus is reported to have said, “So watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him." (Luke 17:3-4, NIV) Jesus might as well have been talking to me about my marriage relationship. Does this not land right where we live as husbands and wives?
I suppose one might ask, “What about when my spouse hurts me but doesn’t acknowledge they did something wrong, they don’t repent, should I still forgive?” That is a valid question. Maybe we will tackle that question in next month’s column. For now it is challenging enough to recognize that I want Do Overs more than I am willing to give them. I want that to change. I want my attitude of acceptance, grace and forgiveness to be more characteristic of me than my pleading for another chance when I’ve made a mistake.
So how are you and your spouse when it comes to “Do Overs”? Are you generous and free with Do Overs or can you become stingy and judgmental when either of you are not at your best? Couples who find ways to be free with Do Overs keep tension at a minimum and this supports safe, warm connection in marriage. I hope you will join me in letting these thoughts on “Do Overs” give us something to consider and maybe work on as we begin 2012. As always, any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .
I so much enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. I will try to do my best to either address your concern in a future column or respond to you directly. God Bless You, and know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.
Dr. Bob Burbee
Licensed Psychologist, Intensive Therapist
National Institute of Marriage
Ideally, if you still got bested when you were given a chance to do your best then you would concede the point and move on. Occasionally, someone wouldn’t accept being bested and so the “Do Over” got exploited to the point of ridiculousness. The other person kept calling for “Do Overs” again and again and never accepted being beat. When this happened, better judgment would direct us to simply stop the game and do something else. On some occasions; however, it was unfair for the other person not to accept they lost, so a contest of wills would ensue to see who’s version of what was fair was going to win out. It became then a competition over who was the better debater and would dominate and get their way. Usually we saw the importance of keeping peace and preserving friendship over winning an argument. If somebody was really bad at this you just avoided them and as a result the friendship was weakened. Sometimes someone was easier to get along with in some games than others. I had friends who were great when it came to getting along while playing tag, but trying to play one on one basketball with them was impossible! So with that friend we wouldn’t play basketball, we would simply play something else.
What guided us (even though we couldn’t have articulated it very well at the time) was a sense of keeping the relationship tension free. Without tension everyone enjoyed themselves and we felt good about being friends. Tension warned a fight was coming. At least for me I didn’t want to fight unless I was sure I could take the other guy. If I felt I could take him then I wasn’t so motivated to be agreeable. It even felt powerful to assert my preferences on the play because if it went bad, I was going to win anyway. When I didn’t feel confident in standing up to someone then I was wary and cautious. The more it felt mutual and affirming the more I was willing to play. The more tension and the more I lacked confidence the more I avoided and was cautious.
As I’m reflecting on those experiences as a kid with my neighborhood friends, I’m struck at how not much has changed. In fact, those same dynamics seem to be present in my marriage. There are so many times I’m asking Mary Jo for a “Do Over.” I neglected to thank her for a kindness or thoughtfulness and she was disappointed I didn’t recognize her effort. I react impulsively to something she said rather than fully listen to her before responding. I forgot to complete the errand I promised I would take care of. The list goes on and on.
The simple humbling truth is that I am not always operating at my best. When the relationship goes in the ditch because I wasn’t paying close enough attention or failed to recognize the ramifications of the moment, I kick myself. “Criminently!!!, How can you be so stupid!,” I say to myself. “Maybe, I can get a Do Over and try again,” I tell myself. At that point I begin pleading with Mary Jo for a second chance. Thankfully, I am married to a woman who is very forgiving and willing to give me a second, third, fourth, or even 50th chance. The problem is that sometimes I am so eager to prove to her I can do better I don’t do a very good job of validating the hurt or disappointment my thoughtlessness created. Just because I can do better doesn’t erase the fact I didn’t in that moment. It has seemed really important to validate with a sincere apology that I really did blow it and would appreciate the free gift of another chance. In my worst moments I come off as though I “deserve” or I’m “entitled” to another chance. This is bad form. Mary Jo appropriately is much less agreeable to my getting another chance when I fail to validate her hurt and disappointment.
So a critical piece of insight I’m learning about when asking for another chance is being careful to sincerely acknowledge my mistake and validate the other person’s disappointment before asking for another chance.
In addition, the consideration of “Do Over” challenges me to consider how agreeable and open I am to granting Do Overs? Am I willing to let go of my disappointment and let Mary Jo take another chance at demonstrating her best? Ohh… that’s a bit more dicey isn’t it? I really want the privilege of a Do Over when I make a mistake, it is another matter entirely when Mary Jo wants a Do Over from me. To be the guy God made me to be, the man I want to be, I have to admit being free with Do Overs is part of that picture.
These Do Overs are small but significant opportunities to practice grace and forgiveness. Jesus said, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14-15, NIV) Ouch! This means my posture of grace and willingness to forgive may influence God’s posture toward me. Where is that more tested than in a marriage relationship?! What if God used the way I forgive Mary Jo as the standard by which He forgives me? This calls for some serious reflection. I would much rather He use how forgiving I am to almost anyone else than how forgiving I am to my spouse. Yet, I can not deny the challenge in Jesus words.
Jesus is reported to have said, “So watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him." (Luke 17:3-4, NIV) Jesus might as well have been talking to me about my marriage relationship. Does this not land right where we live as husbands and wives?
I suppose one might ask, “What about when my spouse hurts me but doesn’t acknowledge they did something wrong, they don’t repent, should I still forgive?” That is a valid question. Maybe we will tackle that question in next month’s column. For now it is challenging enough to recognize that I want Do Overs more than I am willing to give them. I want that to change. I want my attitude of acceptance, grace and forgiveness to be more characteristic of me than my pleading for another chance when I’ve made a mistake.
So how are you and your spouse when it comes to “Do Overs”? Are you generous and free with Do Overs or can you become stingy and judgmental when either of you are not at your best? Couples who find ways to be free with Do Overs keep tension at a minimum and this supports safe, warm connection in marriage. I hope you will join me in letting these thoughts on “Do Overs” give us something to consider and maybe work on as we begin 2012. As always, any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .
I so much enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. I will try to do my best to either address your concern in a future column or respond to you directly. God Bless You, and know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.
Dr. Bob Burbee
Licensed Psychologist, Intensive Therapist
National Institute of Marriage
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