“What’s the point of being married then?” a young woman asked during a Couples
Intensive. She continued, “If I’m supposed to be ‘OK’ on my own, and he’s supposed
to be ‘OK’ on his own then why even be married? I always thought marriage was about
being close and connected. How can you be close if you don’t need each other?”

This is not an unfamiliar question to National Institute of Marriage therapists during
discussions of personal responsibility and caring for self. The concept of being
responsible for one’s own well being is hard to accept when there has been a lifetime
of indoctrination from our culture to be emotionally dependent on someone else. The
question is a fair one. After all, if I indeed can be complete in my relationship with God
and myself, what is the purpose of marriage then? Why tolerate all the frustration and
sometimes pain of a marriage relationship if I don’t “need” too?

To address this concern, let’s review some basics. The creation account provided us in
Genesis 2 describes the creation of Adam as a whole and complete creature pleasing
and “good” in God’s sight. God affirms it is not good for man to be alone so He parades
all of His creations before Adam. After reviewing all of God’s other creatures God
observes, “for Adam no suitable helper was found” (Gen. 2:18-20). It is at this point
God creates Eve and presents her to Adam. Adam observes, “This is now bone of my
bones and flesh of my flesh…” Essentially Adam exclaims, “This is a creature like me!
Something I can relate too, not just a creature, but a person like me.” These two then
form a union described as becoming “one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).

It is this notion of union or becoming “one” that seems to be at the root of so much
confusion. For reasons that are understandable, but with unfortunate consequences,
over the centuries through cultural influence the notion of “oneness” for many has been
understood to mean “the same.” This expectation of sameness is the cause of so much
dysfunction, confusion, disillusion and disappointment in marriage. While there are
moments of extreme closeness that feel like we are the same person the reality is we were
created separately and participate in relationship as individuals, “…male and female He
made them.” (Gen. 1:27).

To make the goal the elimination of our individuality, as some have assumed, sets us
up for failure. Failing to meet our expectation of “oneness,” or sameness, we see how
our spouse is not the same as our selves and so we begin the painful, destructive path of
trying to make our spouse like our selves, or at least our imagined perfect match. Further
we come to believe we will never be complete until our spouse changes. Or, until we
meet that special someone who is our perfect match, our soul mate.

Sometimes when someone awakens from these debilitating beliefs they assume that
relationship is not necessary or desirable. Accepting responsibility for my own health,
well being, and integrity sets me aright for moving forward in life, however it is not

meant to leave me alone. Being clear about my own personhood, my own identity,
actually puts me in the best position to participate in relationship. Knowing who I am,
what I’m about, and who I am becoming; best empowers me to love, cherish and care
about some one else. From this vantage point I step into relationship out of choice,
desire, even longing not from a place of desperation and need. I love my spouse and I am
committed to my spouse because it is my choice, my freely given promise; not because I
can’t live without them or I’ll never be able to be happy with out them.

To break the shackles of emotional dependence in relationship may initially feel
like “breaking away.” It may even provoke anxiety in one’s spouse because neither
spouse is familiar with participating in relationship from a healthy position. The payoff
to ending emotional dependence is both spouses experiencing a whole new level of love,
passion, and commitment. From the new position of personal health and integrity spouses
love freely, with new strength and resolve. This kind of embracing love far surpasses
the clinging desperate, “I can’t live with out you,” kind of love. This new closeness is an
attachment of conviction and promise, not a bondage of desperation.

So why relationship, if I’m complete in my relationship with God and myself? I embrace
relationship because I desire it, because I hope for an experience of intimacy that hints
of what intimacy with God might be like, because I desire to know and be known by
someone who possesses the same value and vulnerability I recognize in myself, because
I relish the bond of unity, partnership, companionship and intimacy, because life is richer
and more fulfilling with someone than just when I am alone. I am complete in Christ,
and I am grateful for the gift of relationship. Relationship affords me perspective and
insight about myself, perspective and insight about another person. Together this learning
deepens my appreciation of who God is, His genius of creation and ultimately a deeper
appreciation of life itself.

Yes, I can be complete without a marriage relationship. I simply was created to be
in relationship. Marriage is a special relationship with special privileges and special
requirements. Pursuing marriage as a strategy for repairing or fixing what is wrong with
me, positions me and my spouse for heartbreak. In order to experience marriage at its
best I must participate as a whole complete person. As a fully responsible, fully caring
person I can truly know what it means to be known, i.e. naked, and unashamed. Being
responsible for myself and caring well for myself positions me to embrace my marriage
partner with all the grace, humility, conviction, passion and even sacrifice needed to
know the full promise God designed in marriage.

As always, any comments or questions you have about this column or other issues you
would like addressed please email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I so much
enjoy the responses folks are sending to this column. I will try to do my best to either
address your concern in a future column or respond to you directly. God Bless You, and
know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.

Dr. Bob Burbee
Psychologist, Intensive Therapist and Aftercare Coordinator

National Institute of Marriage