Written by: Cindy G. Irwin, MA, MFT is an intensive therapist for the National Institute of Marriage and a student member of the American Board of Christian Sex Therapist.

I was taking the enchiladas out of the oven and my friend, Merri, was tossing the salad.  Our families were waiting around the dinner table and I anticipated the banging of forks and the chanting of “we want dinner” at any moment.  But we lingered in the kitchen a while longer.  Merri eyes were tearful as she finished telling me the details around the breakdown of their sex life. As a Marriage and Family therapist who focuses on Christian sex therapy her story was not much different from those I hear daily.  I asked my friend the same question I ask my clients, “Have you talked to your husband about any of this?”  “Not really” was her reply.  They had attempted to mention it, but the conversation ended in embarrassment, unspoken issues and eventually arguments.  I am always saddened but never surprised that Christian people who live in a culture saturated with sex are unable to talk about sexuality with their spouse.  I am saddened because of the unnecessary wounds marriages experience, but not surprised because I too, lived for years with sexual frustrations and no conversation.

This was precisely the reason I wanted to become a Christian sex therapist – to help men and women find each other in whole-person intimacy and sexual delight.  Conversation is the first step.  Initially, it needs to be conversation with you.  You need a frank appraisal of what exactly is troubling you before you can ever expect your spouse to understand.  Then conversation with your spouse begins, but don’t just launch into “The Talk”.  Sexual intimacy is fragile and precious.  Set aside a specific time and place with some personal guidelines:  Be honest when you speak and Be empathetic when you listen.  There were times when my husband and I struggled with the hurts, but we also laughed when one of us was unable to actually say the words and stumbled around with, “You know…that thing…” instead of speaking of body parts, feelings, or sexual experiences.  Contrary to the Hollywood message, amazing sexual intimacy doesn’t just happen.  As any mature adult will tell you, good things take effort, planning, adaptation and creativity.  When it comes to your marital intimacy, just borrow my line… “Speaking of sex…”