Written by: Greg and Erin Smalley, Speaking of Marriage

Q: My wife and I had our first child a few months ago.  Since then, my wife seems less interested in physical intimacy.  I know a lot has changed, and I don’t want to pressure my wife, but I also don’t want to lose that part of our marriage.  What do you suggest I do?

A: After giving birth to a baby, interest in sexual relations can be very different for each woman.  Some want to resume sexual activity as soon as possible, while others experience a decrease in desire.  Your wife’s change in desire could be caused by postpartum depression, fatigue, preoccupation with the baby, tension or anxiety about new responsibilities, or hormonal changes.  It could also result from a fear of physical discomfort; the birth process can cause temporary physiological changes that make her uncomfortable.

Before you resume your physical relationship, have your wife ask her doctor specific questions about how long she should wait and what she might expect physically.  Her doctor can best judge her healing time because he or she is familiar with her unique situation.

Following a doctor’s consultation, the key is to work toward understanding your wife’s needs now that they baby is home.  It’s necessary to communicate about those needs.  Ask your wife questions like, “What do you need from me right now?” and “What do you think would make our relationship more intimate?”

Listen carefully to how she responds.  Don’t argue or degrade her responses.  There’s no right or wrong answer.  If you receive an answer that’s below your expectations, honor your wife even though you may not understand.  An intimate sexual relationship stems from a healthy relationship outside of that first.  Once your wife feels like you’re honoring her needs, she can better respond to your sexual needs.

Learning how to balance parenting, marriage, and intimacy can be very difficult.  We strongly encourage couples to employ a baby-sitter regularly so they can enjoy uninterrupted time together.  Although separation from your newborn might be difficult, you need this time.  Couples, especially mothers, need some time to recover from all the strains of parenting.  Even if this just means an early dinner, a short workout at the gym, or a visit to the local mall, use the time to strengthen your relationship.  Find a reliable baby-sitter, drop your child off with a family member, or join a baby-sitting co-op.

Your relationship depends on understanding what each other needs to feel loved and then making time to practice those things.