Q: What is a woman to do when her husband of 18 years, who claims to be a Christian, will not be the leader of the home? He also runs up debt and will not go to counseling for this. I cannot get help from my church because they say they will only do financial counseling if both spouses go...so what is the other spouse supposed to do?

A: I wish I could give you a clear step-by-step answer that would fit all circumstances at all times.  But those are rarely helpful in the long run.  The process of sorting this out can be both rich and rewarding.  I realize it's not fun, but can be profitable.

Although frequently unpopular, the answer to this question starts with recognizing what you have control over and what you don't.  You clearly cannot control what your husband does or does not do.  Therefore, you have no responsibility for it.  Trying to control your husband is frustrating, dishonoring, and disempowering.

However, what he does or does not do absolutely has an impact on you and your family.  You do have a responsibility to care for yourself, your family, and to be honoring toward your husband (which is not the same thing as doing whatever he wants).

The thing you do have control over is you. Focusing on what you can do is where you will find some power in the situation.  Not power over your husband, but power to have say over you and your well-being, so you can manage your responsibility to yourself and your family.  The question you want to be asking yourself is, "how can I respond to this situation in a way that is caring toward me and the family, and is honoring to my husband."

The first question you want to ask is, "what would truly caring for myself look like in the situation."  Come up with as many possibilities to consider as you can.  The next question you want to ask is, "what would truly caring for my family look like in the situation."  Again consider all the possibilities and possible ramifications of what you come up, and then compare the two lists.  Finally you want to ask yourself, "how can I care for myself and my family in a way that is honoring to my husband."  Remember that honoring your husband is not the same thing as doing everything he wants you to do, nor going along with everything he wants to do no matter how it effects you.  Use a scratch pad if necessary and keep at it until you come up with something that looks like it's worth a try.

Dr. Robert S. Paul, Co-President, National Institute of Marriage