Written by: Greg & Erin Smalley, Speaking of Marriage, January 2005

Q: Over the course of this past year, my wife has been hurt by some of my behavior (and rightfully so).  God has been working in my life and I want to work on my marriage, but because of the wall that’s been built between us, my wife’s heart is closed.  What can I do to open it?

A: The short answer is you can’t do anything – you have no control over the state of your wife’s heart.  However, you can do several things to help foster an environment so that she feels safe to open her heart toward you.

The key is to care deeply.  It’s that simple, but caring about your wife’s pain might not  easy.  Sometimes it’s difficult to get ourselves out of the way.

Many times I (Greg) start to focus on my own stuff when Erin is hurting – I think about how her pain is causing me to feel like a failure.  Other times I try to “fix” the problem or get her to feel better since I’m not comfortable when my wife is hurting. The worst thing I’ve done in the past is to tell Erin her feelings are wrong or that she shouldn’t feel that way.  Obviously, reacting to hurt in this way is far from caring.

To care means to understand, as much as possible, the pain your wife has endured.  It’s important to genuinely understand the hurt she feels and how she has interpreted your offensive behavior.  Ask her to tell you, in her words and from her perspective, what has happened.  Then listen.  Resist defending yourself, lecturing, or questioning why she did or didn’t do something.

Then take ownership of your behavior.  Let her hear you admit any wrong and sincerely ask for her forgiveness.  Your wife will see that you value her when she sees that you care how she feels and hears you admit your mistakes and ask to be forgiven.

And if she refuses to forgive you at this point, be patient.  Perhaps the offense went deeper than you realize or she wants to see your behavior change first.  Continue to show her that you care.

Consider 1 Peter 1:22: “By obedience to the truth, having purified yourselves for sincere love of the brothers, love one another earnestly from a pure heart.”  That’s a picture of real love that honors your wife and God.  When you care with your heart, you’ll see your wife’s heart begin to open again to you.