Written by: Greg & Erin Smalley, Speaking of Marriage, January 2005

Q: I recently returned from a business conference.  There, I became friends with a man. We had a lot in common and really connected, and now I’m still thinking about him since I returned home.  I love my husband and we have a good marriage, but something happened with this guy.  Nothing physical happened, but feelings developed.  I am so confused, and I feel horrible.  I don’t know what to do.  Is this normal?  Please help.

A: Sure, it’s normal.  We were created by a relational God to have relationships with Him, ourselves, and others.  God has placed deep within the spirit of every person an irresistible longing to know and be known intimately, to connect on a deep emotional level. We all desire to be cherished and valued, so the feeling you developed are normal.  The problem is they’re misdirected.

The real questions becomes how do you keep these feelings from developing into an inappropriate relationship with this man in order to protect yourself and your relationship with your husband?

To protect your marriage, you need to make a daily decision to do exactly what King Solomon encouraged in Proverbs 4:23: “Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life.”  Guarding your heart is the key to building trust and affair-proofing your marriage.  We encourage you to do three things:

• Pay attention to your choices.  Rationalization can be a damaging force that works against your marriage.  Rationalization is simply telling ourselves “rational” lies, like “It’s not like I’m actually having an affair – we’re just talking.”  Rather than asking what’s wrong with certain choices, ask what’s right with them.
  
  One of our favorite quotes says, “The choices we make every day dictate the life we lead.”  This same advice is found in Scripture: “Whoever is faithful in very little is also faithful in much” (Luke 16:10).  How we handle the small things dictates how we react to the bigger ones.  Be aware of the way little things can weaken your defenses or make you susceptible for an affair (emotional or physical).

• Draw a line with certain choices, and then stay a safe distance behind it.  For you that means not contacting the man you met on your trip.  If he contact you, politely but firmly tell him you cannot have a relationship of any kind, even a friendship, with him.  And don’t dance around the edge of that line you’ve drawn.  Create a safe distance so you don’t fall over the edge.

• Make yourself accountable to another woman.  We can’t encourage you enough to make yourself responsible to another personal for the commitment you’ve made to protect your marriage, whether it’s as a Bible study leader or good friend.  They key is to choose someone who will ask you difficult questions like, “Have you shared too much personal information?” or “Have you been getting your emotional needs met from someone other than your mate?”

Guard your heart, and you’ll guard your marriage.