Q: How do I save fourteen years of marriage? I know I have been wrong. Not by cheating or hitting, but by just not paying enough attention to my wife's needs.

A: I appreciate your willingness to take responsibility for your part in the marriage.  If you feel you haven’t paid enough attention to your wife over the years, maybe you could make a point of letting her know how sorry you are (adding flowers and a card might be a nice addition), and then make a commitment to do something about it.  If you don’t already know what kinds of things would be most meaningful to her, you could ask her.  You might ask something like, “Honey, I really want to care for you in ways that are most meaningful to you.  If you had to choose a way that I could care about you tangibly, what would you choose?  These options might be along the lines of helping around the house, helping with the children, listening attentively to her, speaking words of encouragement to her, holding her, planning dates with her, or surprising her with gifts.  Whatever she says would be most meaningful to her, make a point of doing those things at least once a week.  It might help to write it in your calendar, or make a mental note that, for example, Fridays are the day you will focus on doing something nice for her.  But in addition to that, remember that your wife’s heart is delicate, and might need some extra attention.  Ask about her thoughts and feelings daily, and begin a new adventure of discovery into the heart of the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Answer provided by: Tricia Cunningham, MA, LPC, Director of Support Resources, National Institute of Marriage