Written by: Tricia Cunningham, MA, LPC, Director of Support Resources, National Institute of Marriage

“I had no idea that there were so many other couples struggling with the same issues we’ve been struggling with,” is a statement we hear frequently from individuals during a four day couples intensive.  It is always amazing to me that five couples that have never met and know nothing about one another, can come to an intensive, and in four days can discover more commonality and care within that group than they often experience with friends and family back home.

The groups oftentimes connect through similar marital experiences, but it is also quite common for them to relate to one another in different ways, such as through similar childhood experiences.  In a recent intensive, nine out of ten of the participants had experienced extensive trauma and abuse in their early years of life, and many of them saw in one other many similarities in how they had responded throughout their lives to the damage that had been done to them as children.

I have a tremendous love for children, and just the thought of an innocent, defenseless child being abused by an adult will bring tears to my eyes.  In the midst of intensives, when these grown up moms and dads, grandpas and grandmas, begin to tell their life stories, it is frequently as though the little boy or little girl they once were, is sitting on that couch, sharing his or her heart.  Through their voices and on their faces, we get a glimpse into their wounded hearts.  Marriage has been hard.  But life has been harder.

It’s been said that an unhealthy person can’t have a healthy marriage.  So how in the world do you “get healthy” after all these years?  The damage has been done, and it isn’t reversible.  But it is important to remember that though our life circumstances will shape us, they don’t determine who we become.  There are healthy individuals who have had traumatic childhood experiences.  And there are unhealthy individuals who have had great childhood experiences.  However, trauma and abuse in childhood does impact the heart with a blow that can be difficult for many to overcome on their own.

A common result from childhood trauma is that people buy into messages and beliefs about themselves that aren’t true.  They might believe or fear that they are useless, defective, unlovable, or not good enough just as they are.  They may have lived their lives trying desperately to prove to themselves, or someone else, that they really are adequate by working hard at being successful, attractive, wealthy, or significant.  But no matter how much they accomplish, they go to bed at night with the same fears tapping at their heart.

When the heart is not attended to, not only does the individual suffer, but his or her spouse does, too.  Sometimes people marry others with wounded hearts, with the hope that their love will be enough to wash the pain away.  But after years of unsuccessful attempts at filling that gaping wound, the well-intentioned spouse may experience his or her own trauma as he or she becomes the victim of infidelity, unjust blame, or relational neglect.   And whether or not that becomes the fate of the marriage, the fate of the victim’s heart may be at stake.  That is, unless God is allowed in to those places in need of healing.

When the doors to those secret places of our hearts are opened, and the Lord is allowed in, His truth can be revealed.  The truth about who we are in Him.  The truth about His unconditional love for us can be given and received.  Jesus not only understands, but has, Himself, experienced abuse and trauma.  He identifies completely with our pain, and wants to erase those hurtful messages and beliefs about who we are, and replace them with truthful messages about who we are in Him.

As counselors, we may facilitate an environment where healing can take place, but the healing comes from God, and can be received directly from Him.   For some, the healing comes instantly, for most it’s a process.  But whether it’s you or your spouse who needs a touch from Him, I just want to remind you that Jesus wants to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free.   And you just may find that your marriage benefits as well.