Infidelity is a theme that shows up quite regularly in the stories of our clients at NIM.  After years of working with couples after the disclosure of an affair, I wondered what it would be like to talk with someone on the verge of an affair, but who hadn’t crossed the line yet.  I wondered if anything I could say would make enough of a difference to keep him or her from making the mistake of a lifetime.  Last week, I had my chance.

A friend approached me after church on a Wednesday night and whispered, “Can I talk with you?”

“Sure,” I said.

She softened her voice and asked, “If a guy you worked with said to you that he really enjoyed working at your company, but then added that working with you was his favorite part of the job, would you read anything into that statement?”

Something told me she wanted more than a yes or no response.  I began to ask her questions about her relationship with her co-worker.  She said he was an amazing person and commented on how well they got along.

“We’ve worked together for months now, and we’ve never even had a moment of disagreement,” she said.

I asked if he was attractive, and she said he was.  Since she is attractive herself, I could imagine that there was a mutual attraction between the two.  She then said, “But I love my husband with all my heart, and would never do anything to hurt him or my kids.  So I know nothing would ever happen between my friend and me.”  “Do you have feelings for him?” I asked.  She said, “Kind of.  But I would never act on my feelings.”

After a few more questions and answers I was pretty confident that I was talking with someone in that “danger zone.”  She hadn’t allowed herself to really acknowledge her feelings, recognize what they were all about, and address them in a healthy way.

I explained that of all the couples I’ve worked with who have had affairs, almost none of them were immoral, awful, or even ungodly people.  In fact, most of them have been good and decent people who never in a million years would have dreamed that they would end up in an affair.   But somehow, it happened.  And for many of them there was a moment where they experienced feelings similar to my friend’s feelings.  It seemed innocent and controllable for a period of time…and then- “suddenly” it didn’t feel innocent or controllable any longer.

Here’s how it typically begins:  There are interactions with the opposite sex that are perfectly normal.   First, there is thinking along the lines of, “Wow.  John is such a neat guy.  He’s so kind to everyone.”  Or, “Kristy is so sharp, and has such a pleasant personality.  She’s really pretty, too.”   This stage may be brief or last for a long period of time, and may remain completely innocent.

Then, there comes a moment, during the course of an interaction with the opposite sex where something changes.   He or she may seem to take a little extra interest in you.  Or perhaps, you put out an unconscious signal conveying interest, and you get a response that makes you question whether or not there is “something there.”

You may have questions go through your mind like, “Hmmm, did that smile mean something?”  Or, “Was there more behind what he or she just said?”

Eventually, there might be a slight touch of the arm, or a “knowing glance,” or a flirtatious (but still seemingly innocent) comment.

What happens each time one of these signals gets sent is the person on the receiving end feels a momentary sense of pleasure.

Oftentimes, what is happening in your brain at that moment is you get a little dopamine rush.  (Dopamine is a chemical messenger that works like adrenaline, and impacts your feeling of pleasure.  Dopamine also plays a major role in addiction.)

Eventually, you get hooked on the dopamine rush, and you start seeking out experiences that will create that rush.  As time goes by, you may start to fantasize about being with the other person, and it feels like its o.k. because nobody knows.

You may even begin to feel “addicted” to the other person.  (It feels this way because interaction with the other person causes a dopamine rush in your brain, which could become addictive).  Some confuse this state with being in love.  (I have a very hard time calling it “love” if the relationship takes place while one or both parties are married to someone else).

The secrecy feeds the excitement of the relationship.  This might be the point where others notice a “chemistry” between you and the other person, but you could deny it and no one could prove otherwise.

But if a day ever comes when a verbal line is crossed (sharing feelings) and/or a physical line is crossed (a lingering touch, holding of hands, or a kiss) and it’s reciprocated, it could be defined as an affair at that moment (emotional or physical).  And the intensity will most likely continue to heighten with every encounter.

But, we all know that the little verse in the Bible that reads, “Be sure your sins will find you out,” gets proven true time and time again.  It seems almost inevitable that at some point it will come out, and everything changes.

The person who never dreamed he or she would end up in an affair finally “wakes up,” and wonders how in the world they ever got there.   But at that point, it’s really too late.  Of course it’s not too late for God’s grace and mercy, or even forgiveness or reconciliation.  But the truth is that once sin has been committed, there are consequences to the sin, even with full grace and forgiveness.

People greatly underestimate the pain of the spouse who was cheated on, as well as greatly underestimate the toll it takes on the person who cheated.  Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences people can go through in life.

Here are some of the potential results of infidelity:

*Your spouse is angrier and more hurt than you could ever imagine, and the agonizing recovery process could last for months, or even years.

*All the details of the affair are eventually revealed to your spouse, friends, children, and community, and you experience great humiliation.

*Your marriage ends in separation or divorce.

*Your children suffer great emotional pain, and may turn on you, and not want to be in relationship with you.

*You may lose your job (especially if you work in a ministry setting or the affair happened in the workplace).

*You may experience financial devastation.

And the list goes on.  It seems that almost everyone who is unfaithful to their spouse says these words at some point, “Had I known how painful this process would have been, and how devastating the consequences would be, I never would have done it.”

Don’t let the enemy deceive you into thinking that as long as you keep it hidden, you can get away with it.  There will always be a significant toll, whether it stays hidden or is revealed.

I sincerely hope that my conversation with my friend at church the other night made enough of a difference to keep her from going down the painful path of infidelity.

If you are in a similar situation as my friend, I would encourage you to:

1)    Admit how you’re feeling to yourself.  Don’t deny your feelings.

2)    Admit your feelings to God, then let Him speak to you.

3)    Admit your feelings to a friend whom you trust (this could be your spouse).

4)    Don’t share your feelings with the person you’re attracted to.  (It’s a very slippery slope from here).

5)    Write out a list of pros and cons should you act on your feelings with the person you are attracted to.

6)    Figure out what you get from that other person, and pursue getting those same things in a healthy way.

And remember, no matter how weak you may feel, if you let Him, God will provide the strength you need to overcome the temptation; because He desires for you to be a person of integrity who loves and obeys Him and His Word.