Don't play with fire; you might get burned
Aiken Standard (SC)
8/23/2009
By Roger Rollins

"Wise men read very sharply all of your private history in your look and
gait and behavior." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Behave so the aroma of your actions may enhance the general sweetness of
the atmosphere." - Henry David Thoreau

I almost hate to renew past acquaintances anymore. Their story often involves marriage problems and affairs. We read on a daily basis about public figures whose marriages are on the rocks.

Dr. Farley, former president of the American Psychological Association, suggests that many elected politicians are in a sense wired for marriage mischief through personalities built for risk-taking and dealing with uncertainty.

Whether your personality leads you in the wrong direction, your marriage is or will be under attack at some time. Is there anything you can do to prevent (or repel) such attacks?

The answer is yes. Dr. Dave Carder recently spoke at the international Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando, Fla. During his presentation, he talked about "Close Call Friendships."

He believes that infatuation - sudden unreasonable emotion attraction to someone or something else - is more powerful than it is given credit. People don't think in their right mind when they are infatuated with something. Any relationship with potential for quick chemistry is dangerous.

It's OK to be friends with people of the opposite sex who are not your spouse, but you need to have STRONG BOUNDARIES.

When people come together around the same interests and passions, it can be dangerous, especially when these people are old girlfriends or boyfriends from your past.

Be careful of all these new social networking sites, such as Facebook. They are great fun but also provide easy doors to dangerous attractions. Many of them encourage you to find old schoolmates and buddies from the past. Can you handle the renewal of those relationships in the present?

Consider the following danger signs for a close-call friendship:

* You save topics of conversation for someone other than your spouse.

* You share spousal difficulties with this person. For example, "You're a
woman; help me understand how my wife works."

* Your friend shares relationship difficulties with you.

* You anticipate seeing this person more than your spouse. This is a sign
you are already sliding sideways. Keep in mind that you see your spouse at
the two worst times of day - first thing in the morning when things tend to
be chaotic and in the evening when you are trying to get dinner ready,
homework done and you are tired from the day.

* You provide special treats for your friend.

* You fantasize about marriage with this friend.

* Your spouse does not have access to all of the conversations you are
having with this person - e-mail, texting, in person, etc.

* You spend money on this friend behind your spouse's back.

* You lie to your spouse to spend time with this friend; i.e. you go into
work an hour before you really need to be there to see your friend.

* You hide interactions with your friend from your spouse. For example,
"Don't smile at me when you see me at church; my husband is watching."

* You accuse your spouse of jealousy when the friendship is brought up.

* You develop special rituals with your friend that are highly anticipated
by both parties. When the rituals don't happen, there is great
disappointment.

* Your friend shares his or her feelings or touches you, which creates an
inward response.

* You have conversations with your friend that include sexual content.

* You participate in corporate travel with your friend, also known as
corporate dating.

* You participate in business travel in which meals, alcohol and
entertainment are involved, and you are staying at the same hotel.

Relationships are what life is all about, and that starts with your relationship with your spouse. Protect it.