Written by: Robert Paul, Greg & Erin Smalley’s Speaking of Marriage, Homelife, September 2004

Q: Lately, I’ve noticed that I interpret my husband’s behavior in a negative light.  It’s like all I notice are the things he does that frustrate, disappoint, or hurt me.  How can I change this?

A: Experts have long noticed a pattern that can have a devastating impact on marriages.  The assumptions we make about our spouse and our relationship can determine the level of happiness we experience within our marriage.  Several experts even suggest that a main cause of divorce is when couples develop negative beliefs about their mate.

Negative thinking is when a husband or wife consistently misinterprets a spouse’s behavior to be much more negative than the spouse intended.  How a mate interprets the other’s actions can be far more important in determining marital satisfaction than even the actions themselves.  The problem with negative thinking is that we all tend to see and hear what we believe about another person, even if it isn’t true.  You’ll eventually find evidence of what you believe about your mate (positive or negative) in everything he says or does.

To fight negative thinking, it’s important to be aware of what your mate does that is positive and to respond accordingly.  Your husband may already be doing some positive things, but you may not be totally aware of them.  For a start, try to notice what he already does that pleases you.  Begin to really look within your husband.  This will force you to break through the barriers that keep you from seeing his good deeds.  The Apostle Paul recognized the importance of this when he wrote, “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable – if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise – dwell on these things” (Philippians 4:8).

We’re not advocating an unrealistic “Pollyanna” thinking.  You can’t sit around simply hoping that your mate will change truly negative behaviors. However, you need to consider that your husband’s motives may be more positive than you’re willing to acknowledge.  One of the best ways to care for your marriage is to guard it from negative thinking.  As you keep track of positive behaviors, you will be building a solid hedge of protection around your marriage.