Why do you ask?  If I tell you, is it about you or is it about the woman you’re thinking about?  Maybe it is about both of you. Okay, in the first few lines I get it, I’m being a true to form counselor, asking questions.   If you were sitting down with me in an office, I would not fire those questions so quickly but my intent would be the same.  I would want to be clear on what your objective is for asking.   It would seem that you are asking because you want to give some type of a gift, tangible or intangible. Many times people give a gift that is supposed to please the other person but in reality underneath the wrapping there are strings attached.  Women have a way of sniffing that out.  A classic example of this is to provide a romantic evening with the expectation of having sex later on.   If you give a gift like that, she is likely to respond with a bit of caution and with a lot less warmth than you might expect.  This reaction is likely to leave a man feeling unsuccessful.  What you do in the moment may damage a sense of closeness and trust.  No matter how great the gift is, if you respond with criticism, sarcasm, or sulking the moment will be lost and she will be even more guarded.

It’s okay if part of the gift is for you.  It’s just that you need to be honest with yourself.  Frankly, I love to care about other people, a gift that I give on a regular basis.  When I extend this gift I often receive back a sense of value, purpose and contribution.  It is when the “care” is more about me than it is about the other person, when this becomes dangerous.  If I got hung up on the outcome of everyone I cared about I would be pushy, manipulative or even neurotic.  My intent would be about me looking good or powerful.  This is what I call “taking in the guise of caring”.  Instead my offering a gift is a reflection of me.  What a person does with the gift is now a reflection of them.  If the response is less than positive, then I have several ways to respond.  I can be judgmental, which usually feels terrible to everyone or I can use it as an opportunity to find out something new about the person I have committed to love and care about.

I am going to let you in on many woman to woman conversations I have had over the years.  This may come as a surprise to some of you but tangible gifts is way at the bottom of the want list.  Don’t get me wrong, women love tangible gifts; you know the kind that is gift wrapped, unexpected or part of some annual celebration (don’t forget those).  Rarely does a tangible gift stand on its own.  It is the context of the relationship that enhances the value of the gift, inexpensive or extravagant.  For an example, just a few weeks ago my husband observed me going through all the kitchen cabinets foraging for anything chocolate.  It was pretty late, I was in my sweats and going out to buy chocolate was out of the question.  I do have pride you know.  Well maybe not, because I actually found a foil wrapped chocolate egg left over from this past Easter in one of my daughter’s rooms.  She donated it to my cause and I gobbled it up only to return to see if there were any more hidden in her room.  The next day I came home and went through the usual routine of greeting everyone and getting busy with dinner.  When I finally made it back to the bedroom an hour later, I found a bag of Hershey Miniature chocolates sitting on my pillow with a note from my husband.   It cost all of $3.00 but you would have thought I won the lottery by the look on my face and the warmth in my heart.  The fact that my husband was attentive the night before and then acted on his observation was incredible.  That was the real gift, a gift a woman wants!

Through my work at NIM and thousands of survey responses from NIM conferences, women most often report that that they want to “feel secure in love”.  The second most often reported “want” is to have a mate that is “honest and trustworthy”.  As I think about the above story, I am keenly aware that it was my husband’s attentiveness that created a sense of relational security.  Please don’t think buying a bag of chocolates will do it for the woman in your life.  What I am suggesting is the attention and follow thru was what spoke loud and clear to where I stand with him.  A man (person) is not attentive to those things he doesn’t value or love.  If he notices the little things, in my mind, he is more likely to be responsive to the big things, like being trustworthy.

One might conceptualize what I am suggesting as a fortress of love.  Each time you pay attention and follow through on the little things (being thoughtful, tender, helpful, interested) it is like adding a brick onto a wall around your relationship.  I do not advocate that this wall be erected without doors and windows.  That would lead to a relationship in which two of you would feel trapped rather than secure.  Instead, the fortress would be built to weather life storms (tragedy, disappointment, stress, invasions).   It is the place where two people inside the fortress can experience safety with each other and find the courage to continue on the risky journey of life.  In the end, the woman in you life will find security, honesty and trust she really wants but so will you.  Man or woman, there is no better place to be than in a relationship that is safe, honest, and filled with trust.