I have a theory. It’s just a theory mind you, but I like it. Psychologists need to be careful when theorizing in another discipline like theology. As a group psychologists are sometimes viewed with suspicion in theological circles and many times for good reason. But this little theological theory of mine I don’t think drifts too far beyond the bounds of most orthodox evangelical theology. The notion is probably not original with me but it did honestly emerge out of my own musings about what God may have been up to when he created marriage. At least this little hypothetical image helps me stay honest and aware of the bigger picture of my marriage.

It goes like this. I imagine God sitting down in the Garden of Eden to think and plan his next move in creation. He has already completed the universe, the earth and Adam, and sees it all as good and just what He intended. But, there is a problem surfacing as he is contemplating the gift of free will placed in Adam. God wonders, “How can I draw this creature to me so that I may love him and be loved by him?”

The strategy God will devise is critical, because the reality of free will means that man may chose to ignore, even rebel against God, the Creator. Worse, man might take life and all it’s blessings for granted and not reflect upon and appreciate the glorious gift of life and creation around him. The strategy selected needs to be something that will demonstrate to man what love can feel like, what it means to be known at a very deep level and to know another deeply and love whole heartedly. The strategy would likewise need to bring man to the end of himself, to recognize his limitations and propensity for foolishness and falsehood. This experience of not being able to control his surrounding circumstances would humble man and cause him to seek help, assistance and nurturing in relationship with God. Yes, the strategy is critical but what could accomplish such wide ranging changes upon man and be consistent in those changes across time.

I imagine God by a spring fed pool in the Garden of Eden resting on a large stone suddenly straightening, with his finger in the air, and a look of excitement in his eyes, “I know. Marriage!!! I’ll create a helpmate for Adam, one that is like him, bone and flesh. I’ll place within the two humans a desire for one another, to touch and be touched, and to bond with each other. And, in their striving for unity they will discover just how human they are and seek me for insight, direction and healing. Brilliant! This will work. I know it will, and it will be good.”

Before you dismiss this theory entirely consider Paul’s words:

And, we who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness… IICor.3:18

God has a plan to transform us, redeem us, shape us more and more to be like Jesus. Jesus himself prayed:

…Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. John 17:21-23.

God has always had a plan to grow us into being like Jesus. And, why would marriage not be a part of that plan?

When I look at my spouse and consider they are part of God’s plan for my redemption, marriage takes on a whole new meaning. I am not saying marriage is the means of salvation, which would be going to far. But, this person I have made a solemn, sacred promise to, under the covenant of marriage is somehow an instrument of God shaping me into the likeness of Jesus. In this way even my spouse’s faults and failings become an opportunity for me to be changed more into the likeness of Jesus. Like the popular bracelet with the initials WWJD (What would Jesus do?), challenges those who wear it to be ever mindful of becoming more like Jesus. My marriage also is a never ending source of opportunities for shaping and honing my character to better reflect the character of Christ.

God in his infinite wisdom saw in marriage the opportunity to not only give us the blessing of intimacy but also an example of what it is like to be known and to know without shame or fear of judgment. Before the fall Adam and Eve were naked and felt no shame (Gen 2:25). This relationship so intimate indeed often brings us to the end of ourselves and even sometimes breaks our very spirit in pain and humiliation. This too is an opportunity to know God in ways we might not otherwise seek or understand. Some of the most transformational experiences of our lives spiritually are found in the context of marriage.

This idea of marriage is way bigger than many of us allow ourselves to consider and accept. What is the consequence of seeing my current tension with my spouse as somehow being a part of God’s purpose of shaping me to be more like Jesus? What if I saw the most recent conflict with my spouse as an opportunity to somehow gain new insight into who God is shaping me to be? Does this make a difference?

It does for me. This has transformed my prayer life in the context of my relationship with my wife Mary Jo. I used to pray whenever there was conflict, “Lord please show Mary Jo the truth and change her to not be so stubborn and resistant to me…” or something like it. Now when we are struggling, I pray, “Lord, this situation in our marriage is really challenging me. I don’t see it right now, but I believe that you can work in this situation for my benefit and for the benefit of our home. Help me to accept and grow through this so I might be more like Jesus and a greater blessing to Mary Jo as a husband. I choose to trust you even though I can’t see where this is all going at this time.”

I am blessed over and over by the reports of couples who somehow recognized often after the fact how their marital struggles were somehow used by God to draw them closer to Him and lead them to become more the people he created them to be. I want that for myself, Mary Jo and our marriage.

I love being a part of assisting others to see God’s genius in marriage too. I may not be a theologian by profession, but these spiritual truths have shaped the way I have come to view my own marriage and the marriages we assist here at the National Institute of Marriage.