The gas gauge was laying on empty. The digital computer above the rear view mirror indicated only three miles to empty. I was in the middle of the Ozark countryside in my minivan kicking myself for not stopping to get gas. I was at least four miles from a gas station and much of that would be uphill driving. As I weighed my options I remembered my Dad telling me once if you ever get low on gas slow down rather than speed up. The thought of slowing down when I wanted to get to the gas station as soon as possible was not reassuring. I need fuel and I need it now, why slow down? Why not drive fast and get there quickly, I thought. Somehow the voice inside my head cautioning better judgment won out, encouraging me to drive slowly and conserve what precious little fuel I had.

I watched with apprehension as the digital meter above the rear view mirror counted down to zero miles to empty. For some reason the van kept going. I didn’t dare go above 50 miles an hour. On downhill grades the meter would bump back up to one mile to empty. When I finally rolled into the gas station I said a prayer of thanks. As I was pulling away from the station, fully fueled, it occurred to me that the “crisis” I had just survived probably was an object lesson for other crises in life.

Reflecting on the couples we see at National Institute of Marriage and the range of crisis situations they bring, I recognized an important principle of addressing relationship crisis illustrated in my “running out of gas.” The knee jerk reaction to relationship crisis is similar to what I wanted to do when I realized I was dangerously low on fuel. When it looks like something dreadful is taking place in my relationship I can be vulnerable to increasing my energy output in hopes of solving the relationship conflict quickly. The sense of urgency can be consuming, blocking out my ability to even think rationally about what is going on at the moment.

It is sad and tragic the innumerable couples who have rushed to complete a divorce simply because they want the matter, “settled.” People can make rash decisions they regret for a life time all because they are in a panic to resolve a crisis “one way or another.” I have heard many people report with great sadness the consequences of actions taken when rushing to resolve a crisis in their relationship. There are multiple reasons for slowing down in a crisis, but let’s first try and understand why someone might press for a quick solution in a crisis.

Our brains and bodies are wired to go into “fight or flight” response in the face of an immediate threat. This heightened state of alertness and quick reaction allows us to slam on the breaks if we need to or call 911 when a loved one collapses with a heart attack. This response does not help us think clearly and carefully about several options. Rather it is a response designed to protect us in an instant. The problem is our brain does not always read well the difference between a car pulling out in front of us suddenly, from the threat we feel when our spouse refuses to talk to us. Those are both potential crisis situations. One needs a survival reflex, the other a heart guided reasoned response. Our brain will not make this distinction instinctively. What makes matters worse is the hormones involved in responding to threat can be intensified by ruminating self-talk. The more I tell myself the moment of relationship breakdown is a catastrophe of monumental proportions the more my body becomes tense and ready to react at the slightest indication of threat.

To explore this a bit further, our antennae for recognizing threat in a relationship are tuned according to our fears about the other person and the status of the relationship. If I believe my spouse is selfish and preparing to leave me, whether this is indeed true or not may have little consequence. The perception is what drives my brain and body response. If I believe it is true, my brain and body will respond accordingly. It also seems to take a great deal of evidence for us to relinquish our fears and they are quickly regained if something happens to renew them. Someone who believes their spouse is prone to lie will see evidence of lying all over the place. It only takes one or two confirmations to believe dishonesty is the norm not the exception, no matter how much the other spouse protests and promises to change.

Initiating a resolution such as divorce in the face of a relationship crisis can give one a sense of power. Wives and husbands often feel tremendous hopelessness and helplessness in the face of relationship confusion and conflict. Finding a way to exercise some degree of power in a crisis, even if it means fracturing the relationship, is too tempting to pass up for many. Sadly, the uncertainty of waiting is simply too much for some people to bear. Rather than endure uncertainty and choose hoping for opportunity, these individuals create greater fracture to the already stressed relationship by seeking to end it altogether. This state of affairs is not helped by the ease with which divorce can be obtained in most states.

So what is the benefit of slowing down in crisis? If we are pulled by such strong forces to resolve a crisis quickly what is the point of waiting? Maybe the most compelling reason to learn the value of slowing down in a crisis is looking at the factors determining our actions. When I am reacting and in a rush I am controlled by my fears. When I find a way to slow my reactions I can choose based on who I want to be and am working to become. This allows me to select options and strategies based on integrity not my base fears and appetites. Do I really want my life defined by the fearful assumptions of my past, sometimes distant past? Or, do I want to give myself a chance for something new and different based on what I believe could be possible even if I am the only one valuing a change? Most of us if we are really honest admire people in our lives who in one way or another modeled this pause and reason approach to addressing crisis in their life. They had every reason to react in a human way but instead displayed restraint and took steps that led to opportunity for hope as opposed to the destruction their understandable reactions might have created.

Slowing down, as in the example of a car low on fuel, conserves energy. Relationship crises can be draining, physically, mentally and emotionally. In a majority of cases our knee jerk reaction won’t really resolve the crisis as we expect anyway. We still have to deal with our spouse and/or the circumstances after we have so urgently pursued a solution. If we drain our energy in achieving a quick solution what reserve do we have for living with the situation when we discover it remains frustrating. It is amazing to watch how people find common ground, motivation, and insight once their emotional intensity has subsided. Finding the courage and strength to pause, reflect, and choose a response in crisis can be a dramatic stabilizing asset to a relationship. This capability can support a marriage during the difficult times that will almost assuredly come to all of us at one time or another.

Finally, a significant element of managing a relationship crisis is having a gracious and forgiving attitude. No one wants to be judged by their behavior under duress. Remembering we are all human and our fears and appetites are real is not an excuse but it is a reason to be forgiving. The moment I forgive my spouse sets me in better stead to be forgiven when I need it in the future. This kind of grace in a marriage will certainly help couples not just survive from crisis but maybe even learn from the experience.

Here are some helpful tips to develop this capacity to pause, reflect, and choose:

• Take a deep breath
• Stop and step aside to think. Ask for a “time out” so you can “pull to the side of the road,” for a moment. Reassuring one’s spouse that there will be a return to the issue will help diffuse the frustration of not getting things settled right away.
• Remember very few things in life require a decision right at this moment. Many of the things we feel so urgent about will not get worse if we wait for a moment or two.
• Consider listening to the other person’s point of view first. By listening first some of the intensity of the crisis can be diffused as one’s spouse is given the respect and honor of being listened too.
• WWJD? What would Jesus do? Giving myself time to consider how Jesus might respond to a crisis will help me respond with integrity.
• Grace counts. Be forgiving to self and others when emotional intensity has led you and others to behave in ways they regret during a crisis.

James 1:19 (NIV) My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…