Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. I Corinthians 13:4-8.

These familiar words from the apostle Paul are brought to mind for me often. As I sit with couples, who in so many tangible ways, feel as though love has failed them, I remember these words and ask the Lord for wisdom. What does God want me to understand in the words Love never fails?

The couples who come to our Intensive Marital Therapy programs at National Institute of Marriage (NIM) are to a person sincerely feeling helpless to change a marriage they find unbearably disappointing and painful. Often the situation is one in which one spouse appears more open and willing than the other spouse. The dynamics in these relationships can look a little like cat and mouse, with one spouse withdrawing while the other spouse pursues. Interestingly, when the pursuing spouse wearys of the chase they may start to withdraw, at which point the withdrawing spouse can respond with picking up the pursuit, and the dynamic continues, but in the other direction. This flip – flopping back and forth can actually become so intense it defines a relationship after awhile. At any given moment the action in the relationship is characterized by one or the other spouse trying to get the other to stop withdrawing and start opening up in some way.

Each side of this dynamic is painful and frustrating in its own way. The person pursuing must find a way to cope with the limits of their influence and power in the relationship. The person withdrawing may find some safety in protecting themselves but then must cope with being alone. Neither position leads to relationship health or satisfaction.

For the person on the withdrawal side of this dynamic the challenge is to find the confidence and courage to risk being vulnerable. This is no small challenge, especially when we consider that the threat of injury is not just imagined but may be based on actual experiences in the past of betrayal, exploitation and abuse. There is nothing quite so courageous as trusting when there is good evidence to suggest you might very well be disappointed again. But, this is ultimately the challenge for the person who has withdrawn, to make an independent choice to trust and risk without sufficient guarantee of safety. What is compelling to note here, is the power to trust and risk always lies with the individual. In spite of how we may feel, the decision to trust, is never ultimately controlled by the person who has behaved poorly. If I am determined to with hold my trust, it doesn’t matter how genuine, truthful, consistent, “saintly,” the person is, I will not trust them and therefore not be open to them. Conversely, if I am determined to trust regardless of the injury and abuse done to me, I will trust even if it seems insane to everyone else within view of the situation.

This is not to say the other spouse may not be able to encourage trust and openness, we are just emphasizing where the ultimate power resides. Trust is controlled by the person themselves, not ultimately by the other person’s actions.

So, what is the person who wants to be trusted to do in the face of distrust? The most important place to begin may not be the most obvious. STOP PURSUING. It can not be emphasized enough how pursuing the other when they are working hard to withdraw only encourages more withdrawal. Pursuing your husband or wife when they are open can result in deeply gratifying connection and intimacy. But, when the message is clear, “Stay away, leave me alone!,” continuing pursuit is shooting holes in the bottom of the boat.

Once the pursuit is dropped you have the opportunity to practice being “present.” What does this mean? It means learning how to be in close proximity to your mate with out being threatening. It means learning how to “wait well,” to wait for them to risk being open to you. Being present is the alternative that holds out the possibility for relationship when the other person is ready. How long should you wait? Aw, there’s the problem. I wish there were a formula for determining how long to wait for someone to trust, to open up, to love again.

I don’t know what that formula is. I do know what Paul told the Corinthians in the famous Love chapter. Love never fails. Love’s greatest expression may be when it is not reciprocated. Think about it. Paul wrote:

But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

There is a different territory of love found in loving when it is not reciprocated, when it is not readily returned. To love when being loved is a deeply gratifying experience but if that is all there is to my love then it ultimately is only as deep as the other person’s gratification of my needs. I think God wants more for us. To discover the meaning of loving when not being gratified can be a deeply spiritual experience as well as a deeply meaningful relational experience.

It is certainly not an easy thing, to love when it is not being returned, but it is a good thing. Loving even when not loved in return may be a miracle all its own. For when we love in the circumstance of waiting, we are loving in a way that God is intimately familiar with. We are loving, like He loved us.