Written by: Dr. Robert S. Paul, Co-President, National Institute of Marriage

When a situation occurs that appears to warrant setting some sort of boundary, it is often difficult to know how to set or establish that boundary in an effective way. An effective boundary is one that will take care of you and your interests in a way that best accomplishes your overall personal and relational goals. Thus, the critical question is:

"What am I wanting or trying to accomplish?"

The two most common answers:

1. To protect myself from people or circumstances.
2. To take good care of myself within ongoing relationships in a way that strengthens and builds that relationship.

If #1 is your answer, the typical response will be to build walls or barriers between you and the people or circumstances that are difficult or threatening (withdrawal), or to attempt to stop or change the behavior to a preferred behavior (control, manipulation). Either response, withdrawal or control, hurt both relationships and individual self-esteem.

Answer #2 speaks to a deeper question, "Ultimately, what does it look like to take good care of myself?"

Suggested answer: Truly taking care of yourself requires aligning yourself with what Jesus said was the greatest/foundational commandments: to love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength; to love others; to love yourself. The necessary posture to follow these commands, and thus, truly take care of yourself, is to allow love to flow to you and through you by maintaining an open heart. The heart is the avenue through which God’s love flows. God’s love is essential to nourish our soul and spirit, and is the essence of life. Responding to God’s commandments, therefore, is the epitome of taking care of yourself by allowing the love of God to fill you and flow through you, and includes three components: (1) keeping you heart open and available to God, the source of truth and life; (2) remaining open to self by caring for yourself as the temple of the Holy Spirit; (3) staying open to others, the body of Christ which we were created to be a part of.

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Often, the difficulty with maintaining an open heart is that openness exposes our vulnerability and, therefore, is risky. Openness is actually the most natural "state of being" for humans, but painful experiences in life tend to encourage us to become defensive and protected (various states of "closed"). When we feel safe, however, we are naturally inclined to open because it is more comfortable and takes less energy. When two people who care about each other are open and close, intimacy occurs and God’s loves flows easily and naturally in them, through them and between them.

Therefore, the ultimate goal for answer #2 is:

To attempt to create a safe space that enables my heart to remain open to God, self, and others.

The goal of maintaining an open heart is the essence of a Christ-centered boundary. It, therefore, must be accomplished in a Christ-like way. A Christ-like boundary will be characterized by love, honor, and respect. It will also be moving toward, rather than away from, relationships. It includes growing, deepening, and improving those relationships in order to more fully respond to the greatest commandments. It cannot involve withdrawal (that involves closing the heart and spirit), manipulation, or control.

Boundaries

The ultimate objective of a Christ-centered boundary is to create a space that enables one’s heart and spirit to remain open.

Never to control another’s behavior!

STEPS TO ESTABLISHING CHRIST-CENTERED BOUNDARIES

1. Determine your goal to be attempting to create a space that enables you to keep your heart open to God, yourself and others (including those with whom your are setting boundaries).
2. Make a request regarding the behavior or circumstances that are making it difficult for you to keep your heart open. Remember a request must allow for "no" to be an acceptable response. If "no" is not acceptable, you are making a demand, not a request.
3. Establish a contingency plan. What to do if your request is denied? This is an action you can take that is not contingent upon other people or circumstances, that moves you to a physical, emotional, or spiritual space that best facilitates your heart opening.