My boys were sitting in the backseat of the car the other day talking about school.  Cameron, my 12 year old, said, "Carter, who is your best friend at school?"  To which Carter, my 10 year old, replied, "Waji."  Cameron said, "What makes him your best friend?"  Carter thought for a moment, then said, "Well, the first day of school last year Waji came and sat by me.  We talked for a couple minutes, and then he just said, “You're my best friend.'" Carter shrugged and said, "So that's how he became my best friend."  Cameron seemed a little surprised by Carter's answer, and asked, "Didn't you think that was a little weird?  I mean, you didn't even know him at all."  Carter matter-of-factly responded, "No.  I didn't think it was weird at all.  I thought it was really nice.  And he's been my best friend ever since."

Cameron and Carter's conversation about friends spurred some thoughts of my own while I was driving.  What makes a person a “best friend”? Is it different for adults than it is for kids?  Is it different for marriage relationships?

My mind went to a conversation that I had with a woman recently.  She shared that one of her greatest disappointments in life was the day she realized that her husband was no longer her best friend.   She reminisced about the early days in their relationship when she couldn't wait to see her husband each night so she could tell him everything that had happened that day. They began as best friends and she never imagined that their relationship would ever change.  As time went by, however, conflict between them became a way of life, and her best friend seemed to evolve into her "best foe."  Now, she says, the person she looks forward to seeing weekly is not her husband, but her best girlfriend.

If your spouse is still your best friend, don't take him or her for granted. Continually look for ways to invest in your marriage so you can stay close. Most relationships start great, but deteriorate when neglected. The good news about all relationships, even ones where spouses feel more like "best foes" than "best friends", is that they are dynamic.  They can change.  We've seen many couples come to our intensives on the first day with what appears to be an invisible brick wall between them, but after a couple days of talking, leave hand-in-hand, feeling closer than ever.  Just because you feel distant with one another doesn't mean it has to stay that way.

It does take investment, but so does any relationship.  Even my dog, Pepper, requires daily food, water, and walks around the block for him to stay happy and healthy.  If I want my plants to look good, they require sunlight, regular watering, and pruning.  What makes me think that my marriage will thrive with no investment whatsoever?

We've all heard the saying "If you want a friend, be a friend."  Consider applying that same concept to your marriage.  Instead of focusing on whether or not your spouse treats you as a best friend, just start being a friend.

Contrary to my 4th grader's friendship with Waji, most friendships require a little more than a mere declaration that "you are my new best friend."  Here are four basic ingredients in any good relationship. Apply them to your marriage, and see what happens:

1. Make time. No matter how busy you are, or even how far apart you are, look for a few minutes a day to connect; whether it's by e-mail, phone or in person.

2  Be safe. When you share feelings with your spouse, share those feelings without judgment.    When your spouse shares any feelings with you, respond with empathy.  Talk with him/her calmly, kindly, and with compassion.

3. Pay attention.  Compliment your spouse when he or she looks nice.  Notice the things that he/she does that bless you or the kids in some way, whether it's yard work, housework, or the gift of their time. Speak words of love, respect, and appreciation for their investment into you and the family. It's amazing how far a few nice words will go.

4. Forgive and Apologize.  Forgiveness is a necessary ingredient in any great relationship.  Forgive your spouse daily for any and all grievances, and ask for forgiveness regularly for anything hurtful you have done. This allows you to stay focused on the good things in your relationship, and discard the bad. If you're not there yet, maybe, as your friendship with your spouse deepens, it won't be long before you will be able to look one another in the eyes, and say with sincerity, "You're my best friend."