I am amazed with how many times couples will mention that they came to an intensive because of the love and care of a friend or group of friends.  Although the range by which this care is expressed can be from warm/supportive to tough/confrontational, there isn’t a doubt that it was an expression of love.  There is nothing more meaningful to a hurting person than a friend that is willing risk loving.  Do you know of a friend that is hurting because of a marital struggle?  Here are some ideas for you to consider as you reach out to him/her.

Friend Type:

Prior to reaching out to your friend, it is helpful to consider what type of friendship you have had in the past.  The deeper and more historical the relationship, the more credibility you will have when given the opportunity to address the issue.  The opposite is true if you are considered an acquaintance.

Who Approaches Who:

How you reach out will also depend on whether you or your friend initiates the conversation.  If your friend brings up the conversation, it is best to be a listener.  This means trying to understand what it is like to be him/her and give the person some indication that you are following what they are saying.  This might include reflecting back what was said, “so you are really hurting because John said he is having doubts about whether or not the relationship is worth it”.  It can include a validation statement like “what you’re going through is sounds so difficult, especially because you never thought you guys would ever get to this point”.

If you approach your friend, it is helpful to stay with what you have observed and ask an open ended question rather than drawing a conclusion and giving direct advice.  Saying, “I’ve been thinking a lot about you and Jane.  I noticed when you talk about things at home and especially when you refer to situations with Jane, you seem really stressed.  I wondered how things with Jane are.”  This is a basic invitation to talk.  If your friend opens up, then great and you can employ basic listening skills as described above.  However, if your friend denies any problem, it is best to let it stand but leave an open door to talk if there was a need to in the future.  “It sounds like things are okay.  I just know that when it comes to personal stuff like marriage, it’s tough to find people that a person can talk to.  I wanted you to know that if you and Jane were struggling I would want to help.”

Practical Help:

1. Listen more than give advice.

2. Ask what s/he thinks would be helpful. You will be able to help with some of what is identified and you won’t with others.  Don’t agree to something you know you can’t really do.  If you do, you may end up avoiding your friend and s/he will have another hurt to work through.  For example, your friend is overwhelmed with the care of his/her three kids along with trying to figure out ways to meet with the spouse to talk things over.  Rather than volunteering to take the kids indefinitely or at anytime, you could say something like, “It sounds like you need a break sometimes.  I know that feeling just with three kids too.  You have even more on your plate with the stress you guys are going through.  How about for the next month, I keep your kids on Tuesdays from 3-7pm.  Maybe with this time away, you can have your needed talks with Jane/John.  It might be a good time to run errands or just spend some time with God.“

3.  When you suggest resources, it is best to write the information down. Ask if you could do some preliminary work in finding counselors in the area or gathering information from marriage ministries like the National Institute of Marriage.  A list of good reading materials can be useful too (see resource booklist).

4.  Ask for specific direction on how to pray for the couple.

5.  Purchase a journal, book, or music CD that could be encouraging.

6.  Write an encouraging note/email that speaks of the faithfulness of God and your belief in your friend to hear His voice.

7.  If your friend is engaging in destructive/dangerous behavior, you may have to confront. Please do this with great care, prayer, and advisement of his/her pastor.  This may include a statement like “I know that you’ve been hurting a lot lately.  I’ve noticed that you’ve been talking about drinking and have smelt the alcohol on you when I’ve stopped over.  I am really concerned how this is going to affect you.  It may numb the pain for awhile but I see it making things worse for you in the end.  This is another way that your life will be robbed (see John 10:10). “

Word to the Wise:

By the very fact that you are reading this article, you are likely a caring a person.  Your ability to care may be one of your greatest gifts but can be vulnerability as well.  This is especially true if the person you are caring for is of the opposite sex.  A word to the wise, this can be very dangerous.  Because the marital relationship is unstable, the stability of your friendship can go from being a resource for hope to “the reason for living”.   Your gestures of care can be reinterpreted to be much deeper and intimate that what you intended.  At the very same time, it can be a powerful experience to be a support person.  There is level of significance and purpose that can be easily distorted as intimate attraction.  Therefore, it is wise to protect all the marriages in your circle of friends by limiting your support to those of the same sex, brother to brother, sister to sister.  If you need more guidance, advise your pastoral staff for appropriate recommendations.

A Final Word:

Ministering to hurting people is a powerful calling.  It is a privilege to be the tangible arms of God as we reach out in word and deed to those around us.  As you walk through this journey with your friend, I hope that you experience a greater sense of God’s presence and provision.  May the Lord God be praised and glorified through your love for others!